2014

The tears shed were of pains yesterday and of joys today. The troubles of the past that pass and the present that has been blessed today. Have you ever held a person by their soul and felt a warmth that flows out and onto you like pouring hot chocolate into your empty cup? Man that cup was empty. But not anymore.

2014. Today is the 1st day of that year. God will only know what would happen tomorrow and also God knows what actually happened yesterday. But I am thankful for today. So I'm going to recap the important things that happened to me in 2013. All the gloomy and all the happy and all the misery and all the things that made me.

2013. Bunch of stuff got lost. Stolen and shit. But I'm good. Then I found. I found someone who would mean more than anything else that I've lost. That is pretty awesome. Then because of her I realized something called Fate and Consequence. Now that is seriously important stuff. Fate meaning something that has led you to today, an opportunity. Consequence is your action for today, a decision that will in turn restart the cycle of Fate and Consequence. Then I read this book. The Little Prince. It is super awesome. and etc. So I honestly have no room for gloomy right now so... I'll save it for some other day.

So it has been weird. But weird is good. Better than normal.

My father, my love

I am talking about universal love. Love between parents and their children, love between a child and a goldfish, love between two persons.

I had a close relationship between my father. He is a respectable man, stern and strict towards me. He is quiet man, but he speaks words of wisdom. I find myself closer, in terms of characters, to my father. I feel attached to him, yet I am very independent. It is a spiritual connection that I feel- something that is different and unusual compared to my relationship with my mother. Thus, hard to describe.

My father often discusses with me about wonders of life, about my future, about his future and about his sons. I listen to him intently and also offer my views in return as he nods a little, conveying his agreement. This is our serious moments. Hard to believe, but I played with my father a lot. We had our weird humors, as we giggled and chuckled like thieves counting money in the dark over the table. I remember he used to wrapped me in his arms when I was little, and rub his face in mine with his stubs. I know my father loves me a lot, because of his trust.

While having our dinner served yesterday, my younger brother was sitting between me and my father. I looked at them as they chuckled like children with their jokes. I could only manage to smile a little and look away. It hit me suddenly that I am growing at a fast pace, but I miss everything that we had. I know he still loves me, but where did our jokes go now? Could it be a sacrifice to my adulthood? It concerns me, as my brows furrowed.

I questioned myself for what I have lost. And I grew restless as my mood darkened. Water is deep, and strong wind causes uproar and turmoils. I blamed myself for whatever that happened, and I was not very happy with them. And then I was reminded of something, or rather someone. Love stayed where it was. But the actions are transferred to someone else. Just that simple.

I am a happy person. I hope you all are.

How I met your mother.

2 days prior to today. My sweetheart told me that her parents invited me over to their place for a weekend BBQ. Of course being naturally me I said awesome! would love to go. The fact is... I didn't think it would be so soon.

Meeting the parents of my sweetheart is no big deal for me, I knew that with my ability to converse I could easily make things interesting and lighten up the atmosphere to their liking. But I had a feeling that it would be different. The thing is, if I invited them to go out for dinner and I'm paying then that would be my habitat, my territory. I could set the stage for the experience of our meeting. But they invited me so... I'll have to be super ready. Which I was not at all when the day came.

After giving up with my thoughtful self I went to my feeling self. Rather than think my way into this I will ride with it in it's flow. So I got there and things were pleasant. It was interesting yet awkward yet comfortable yet exciting yet boring. It is a nice position to be in and it reflects exactly where I am in my life now. This is great news for me.

Although I'm not a mind reader but the 1st meeting with her parents went well. Their thoughts on me? I'm not sure. My thoughts on them. Well... 1st of all, they have my greatest appreciation for the invitation to their weekend BBQ and also for the beautiful daughter that I have the honor and privilege to love dearly. 2ndly, I still feel that I need to learn more of them and get to know them personally. It will take some time but I know things will work out.

After the eating I got to witness my sweetheart practicing the piano for the 1st time. There seem to be a number of 1st's today. Then we had beer at the place where we shared our 1st kiss. Tonight is a pleasantly rainy night for us 2 pluviophiles.

Emotionally distressed: Pain

What if we levitate ourselves in higher beings and remove ourselves from emotional distresses like pain?

Memories are created by the subconsciousness of our mind. The emotional pain that we experience are from the consciousness of our mind. What if we remove our subconsciousness, and we could live like newborns every time we decide to hit the 'Delete' button? Everything will feel anew, and as if we have had been there before. The emotional part of our memories deleted. It is like watching a movie, but we feel nothing because we are not the person in the story, nor are we the actors or actresses. 

I haven't been facing my emotional pain. I told myself, If I could escape, why face it? No one is going to find out. No one is going to see through my mask. It was true. No one was able to see through and hit my 'Pain' button. Until one day, someone entered my life and looked at me inside out, as if I gave him the privilege to peek into my mind. The alarm from my subconscious rang. I was terrified to feel exposed, as if I was to be stripped naked in public. Every time it happens, I felt a cold electric sensation surging through my body- worst on the chest, as I struggle to breathe. The subconscious mind is playing tricks on my body. I am not in pain, but I was reminded of the pain, which my body has been so used to react to. Like green leaves that absorb sunlight for photosynthesis, this reaction to pain is already a part of my being. 

Then I ask myself, What if I see every time through the third person's view? I gain no pain, I feel no pain. But, what is the point of feeling no pain and gaining pain? Whoever our creator was or is, I was molded this way, to be given the ability to feel pain. If I don't, am I even human, a complex life-form? If I don't, am I to be compared like a one-cell creature- an algae? I feel pain, only because I am human. I am blessed with this complex structures and systems that men could never be fed up of learning, exploring and discovering. In return, I feel pain (and other else). 

Because we are all blessed with sophisticated minds, we are able to control what we want to feel and what we don't. So often we are pulled into a tide of emotional waves and whirpools, that we panicked and forgot that the human mind is a playground of any possibilities. Everything we look at, is a matter of perception. If we could turn pain, from something negative into something positive, why not? 

I am too, learning to face my pain in my own odd ways.

Learning all your shades

Being in love with this person is the most beautiful thing I could have imagined to happen to me. Day by day I find myself more deeply rooted in love with her. As I progress in this relationship with her I learn more of different shades. Because of that, I fall even more in love.

They say that every experience you may have gained the day before becomes a figment of your recollection today. That memories are but just blur remembrance of what you thought had happened. An augmented reality. But as human beings we all wanna make sense of it. So we keep in our psyches those that are either dear to us or painful to us. It is natural. Or is it?

Our minds are important. It shapes our perception of things. It decides for us who we think we are and how we should respond to the world. I said intentionally "It decides for us" because if you have not realized it yet, you are actually dreaming when your mind is in the works. To be conscious is to observe and decide rather than perceive and react. We are sometimes like little pain buttons when pressed shrieks a loud cry of agony. That is because we did not consciously do something about it.

I've been human for long and these reactions do come natural from the depths of my subconsciousness. It is important for my survival yes. But is it enough for me to live to my fullest, to reach the state if my highest self? To feel the feeling of true love? No. It requires not the mind but the soul/spirit/heart. Where ego cannot touch and logic does not work. Because people say I'm crazy when I tell them that they are trapped in a delusion of the self unconscious.

With these said I'm just expressing that I am working towards my relationship with her not just by playing roles of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". But to be connected in a higher level. One that does not require words. I believe she is actually more tuned to that than I am. (I is jealous) But nonetheless, I'm working on it.

She becomes more beautiful every moment she reveals more of her different shades. :)

Black Coffee. No sugar.

Have you ever tasted coffee straight up? Black, bitter and absolutely fragrant? This is regularly enjoyed by the elder men of my community. But I love it. It has depth and taste in its purity. Part and parcel of everyday life where I live. This beverage is essential in forming the experience of where I'm from.

But today, I'm not here to express my love for black, bitter coffee. But more to what the taste of purity, bitterness and the fragrance it has in the aspect of relationships.

Like all things, there are variants in taste and fragrance. Same too in relationships, there will be moments of sweet and bitter. Most people just look at the sweet ones to encourage their feelings for the person they love. But I, I take it all in its purest form and savor it as it is.

The bitterness that occurs in relationships are just like black coffee if you see it that way. It is bitter, pure and fragrant. To be able to say I love you is to able to embrace the all that is in love. Good times, bad times. Or what else is the marriage vows made between lovers for??? It is the pure enjoyment and excitement I find in the bitterness that stirs me, in a good way.

People try to avoid it all together. Maybe I did. But when I faced challenges it really opens up to me. I had a thing for bitter black coffee. The shock and utter bitterness it gives 1st makes me doubt it but when the fragrance hits me.... I become awake. You begin to realize the beauty of it. You learn to appreciate what is presented in front of you. The one you love with you in the sweetest and the bitterest of moments can be enjoyed with a feeling of warmness that is almost indescribable.

So you have it, a fresh brew. Enjoy it while it is hot.

Twisted logics

Ironic isn't it- when we are presented with what we asked for, we couldn't accept without second thoughts? Maybe we have been hurt too much to trust that, on this world where we stand, is a good place, with an air of kindness and generosity. 

Sometimes I worry for my inner child, whose world is as beautiful as the first snow, as I let her roam free and also as I let her to trust completely. I fear, because of what the people chant every day: Do not trust so easily and completely. You are young. You never know what the world holds for you. 

Then I ponder, Why are people easily persuaded by the evilness, but not the good the others could or would bring to them? My answer is, because they are all adults. I feel a pang of relief when I realized that I worry, and that is significant because my inner child is not dead, but kept alive all this while. It is an utter exhaustion to live with such cautiousness, to identify strangers first as possible threats but not warm-blooded humans. Isn't is the saddest thing that could happen to all of us? 

I struggle between being a child and an adult frequently. And even more frequently these days. I have a rational head, but an irrational heart, trapped with so much emotions that I kept hidden all these while. I have came early to a conclusion that I shall be a child when I speak of dreams and love. The adult living inside of me sometimes barge out all of a sudden to take over the circumstances and situations, that is when doubts come in. I could doubt everything and live in fear, disclosed in that tiny circle I have to myself. Or I could trust everything about love and live happily, embracing more good the world could offer me. Wouldn't it have been better to stick to the latter option? We all know it would be, and it definitely is. But the first baby step is always the hardest- as you repeatedly will to trust and to suddenly feel an urge so badly to escape the next second. 

I slapped myself and asked, What good have I done to deserve you? For I am a humble person, I could never get the answer to this question. But I am convinced that every actions that I took have led me to this consequence of meeting you, knowing you and to this day. 

You are responsible for what you tame. And I quote your definition of responsible in this context. I am tamed for I am a child in front of you, while you ought to be able to response to my affection, for this is what  I become of when you sit closer each day to me.

To love, is to first be a child in our purest state.

Up level!!

An ideal relationship is built on the basis where 2 creative, independent, passionate individuals working together, supporting each other in growing in love and self actualization within their commitment to each other.

My relationship with my lovely goddess is build upon that foundation. We are on the right track by all that we see and experience. The focus is not working on our relationship but on ourselves and on love. Phenomenal things happen as we move towards our goals. Our relationship grows by leaps and bounds.

But as we all know. Like in many scenarios as we progress and level up to a higher level it becomes more and more difficult to increase in level. It progressively becomes more challenging and that is not a bad thing. It just means that there is more space for expansion. More growth through creative means.

As days go by we fall more in love. It's beautiful and phenomenal. So let's keep leveling up!!

Changing lanes

Throughout life we will face circumstances that seem to hinder us from achieving our goals. When days like these come by we can perceive it as an opportunity or as a shortfall. Plans can change but the goal can remain the same. It is like driving towards your destination then changing lanes in the process.

I believe that when we drive on the road towards our destination we face other drivers or obstacles that will slow us down. We then take notice of the lane next to ours, looking out for other drivers then calculating our move. Life is like that.

5 days

Such is the symphony of the universe. Playing music so phenomenal that you can't help but to feel your being light up as if you were born again. Coincidences that set probability to it's pace. Numbers seem to be of waste. The matter of the heart and the matter of the mind, thrown into the air by the alignment of the stars. It happened and it is not what it's expected. More or less, the feeling still leaves one at awe of what is probable for impossibilities.

I've spent the last 5 days with her. What started off as a fancy idea, a moment of impulse turned into one of the most memorable moments of our lives. A simple birthday wish came true. A wish made with my goddess clad in blue.
With her, together, we learn more of each other. We experience things never before experienced. Tasted life as never before brilliant. Phenomenal.

I rushed to the airport getting the latest ticket to fly to her on the eve of her birthday. As I ran so did my heart. A simple desire to fulfill happiness encourages and drove me without fear to travel across the strait to where she stayed. 2 hour flight. 7.45pm. Upon reaching I steadily plan out my route, looking at the clock tick, anticipating our meeting by the time the hands touch 12. I set my alarm. Embarked on my journey and what was to unfold is nothing short of magic. A tale worthy of romance novels and summer movies.

Upon reaching the guard post at the apartment where she stayed. She made her way down to meet me. We hugged, kissed and made our way back up to the apartment where she lived. Once inside the clock hits 12. My alarm set earlier rang. I held her, kissed her and told her... happy birthday my love.

Spending the night together, we woke up besides each other. Happiness. Bliss. Pure. As pure as the cry of a newborn child. The days following are nothing short of beautiful. Exchanging thoughts, sharing affection and exploring ourselves in our relationship. It was a short 5 days. But it felt like a fulfilling lifetime.

We watched movies lazily. Shopped and cooked up a storm. Lived like how a couple of young adults would in a socially perfect relationship. Then it got me thinking... are others as blessed as we are to be in such bliss and happiness? I certainly do not know. But if I were to guess I would say it is quite rare.

We had limited resources. Time given with boundaries. But with all these it did not hinder us from being completely happily loving the companionship of each other.

The beauty of all this is that in these short 5 days, we had also experienced what seemed at 1st bitterness. Some tears were shed. But like the cracking of a nut shell or the peeling of an artichoke. We got closer to each other's heart. The result strengthened our bond.

So much were the moments that it will indeed take me another 5 days to put it into words.

Now I've left her to be back where my duties require me. I'm content and high on bliss and love. Carving this memory into stone, these words I shall etch.

121013 The meeting

Saturday. 12 October 2013. The weather seems calm today I said to myself quietly as I walked down the stairs at the Sri Petaling train station. Cheras she said. So I poked around the ticketing machine seeking to purchase a token to arrive at the said destination. Patiently I wait for train to arrive. As I wait I amuse myself with possibilities and a plan of action. My agenda for the day is to meet a girl. A girl who live in Cheras.

As I board the train I gave my attention to the way map. Seeking to reassure my destination. As the train moves so did my mind as I continue to dream in and out. I then realized and dropped her a text message regarding my arrival. She did not reply.

As I reach Cheras train station I took my time exploring. Seeking a convenience store for a notebook and pen. I was craving to write and out of desperation I got a notepad and a green pen. Far from my expectations of a notebook and a black pen. It was the only option easily available. I then seeked liquids to quench my thirst. I sat down, ordered my drink and began to write. With the arrival of my iced lime I received a text reply from her. Apparently I went to the wrong station. So I hastily finished my drink and paid the bill. As I stepped out of the roof covering my head heading to the station the sky unleashed it's fury over me. Progressively increasing in intensity. But I reached the station with only a kiss of the rain.

Tbs station she said. So I grabbed the token and again waited patiently for the train. As I wait I think. But now I think I write in that yellow notepad with my green pen. I feel eyes observing me. As if it is strange to see person writing in a book. Fair enough. The train arrived and I board towards the said destination.

The moment I got off the train at the tbs train station I increase my vigilance. Looking at every female face that I come by, scanning the crowd to identify her. She has yet to arrive I told myself. Amused by my own eagerness I decided to do some exploring in this place new to me. Walking around the station then into the central building adjacent to the station I wait for her call. As I wait I stroll around and observe the people around me. Thinking to myself if they are waiting for someone as I am. I continue to amuse myself with my thoughts.

She called. As my phone rings I began to feel butterflies. I have yet to hear her voice. As we spoke she told me that she would seek for me as I stayed put. I obliged but as I am, I went to the entrance seeking to meet her half way.

There at the entrance, as I walk towards it I see her walking towards me. A black cap worn backwards, blue tee, raggy short denims and a converse or north star shoe. Our eyes meet and we greeted.

I asked her what are the plans for today. She replied with a certain uncertain answer. She asked me where would I like to go I also answered with a certain uncertainty. Along the way we somehow decided that we'd have IKEA meatballs. I've heard of them, was never interested, but it sounded like a good idea. Maybe because there were no other ideas.

At tbs we took a train to kelana jaya to take a free shuttle to IKEA. Upon reaching reaching kelana jaya she took me around where she previously have stayed before. Walked pass an overhead bridge to the other side, pass the shoplots, pass the houses to a little eaterie serving pan mee. As we walked I recalled our conversation about books. She mentioned the book The Little Prince. I would not have understood it's significance until recently when I read it. It's a really good book.

Boarding the shuttle on the way to IKEA she questioned about past lives and rebirth. Reached IKEA to find an interesting sight. It was a gundam fair. We both showed little interest and moved on. A visit to the toilet then I asked her what should we do next. She asks me the same. Not sure if polite or seriously have no idea where to go. Then she led me straight to the cafe where the prized IKEA meatballs are served. Upon reaching my knees grew weak as I see a sea of people lining up with trolleys of food. Queuing for the meatballs 30 minutes. Grabbed 10 meatballs. Looking for a seat 30 minutes. As we discuss the awesomeness of meatballs and jam while despising that coconut flavored Swiss dessert known as the Marzini, I lost track of time. Realizing others are waiting for a seat we moved not long after were done eating. As we walked around here and there we looked curiously at tacos and nachos. I then asked if there were any nice places to chill and have a drink. A German beerhouse she said and that's where we ended up for the next 3 hours or so. I ordered 2 beers. A pint each. I couldn't even pronounce the name right let alone spell it so I'll save me the trouble of trying. We talked and laughed and got abit tipsy. Far and wide are our topics. But one topic ruled most of our conversation and that is of love and relationship. We also mentioned having a business with me in the spotlight and her in the shadows. That piece would turn out to be quite interesting later on. Time calls and we left to catch my shuttle back. But I missed it as she watches it move away. No matter. I'll wait for the next one. We then had the taco and nacho we were so curious about. She expected her boyfriend who ultimately did not arrive. As we sat by the taco kiosk and there we had a conversation about fate and consequence. This fate and consequence thing provoked my thinking. Took a couple pictures and moved towards a bookstore. She said she didn't want to go intentionally but I think differently. Boarders I believe the name of the bookstore is called. Little books, books with pop outs, funny comments and interesting content. As we move from books we stumbled upon a music box display. It was cool. Missed the shuttle again. This time because she got the schedule wrong. She blamed me lol. Then we took a taxi to the closest station to get back to our own lives. During the train rides I'll look at the window at her reflection and wonder what she is thinking of. I wondered why I'd bother wondering. But it was interesting and it amused me. So I kept wondering. I believe she was tired and sleepy as she forgets her station and token. I explained to her and teased her slightly at her little carelessness. As she reach her drop off point, we said our farewell and the day came to a close.

I missed details but that's due to my capacity. I could do better if I wrote them out on the day itself. I just didn't expect it's significance. Not until recently

Salvaging the past for a dream of the future

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt of her, my past. The hurt she put me through. The devotion I've submitted in vain. The troubles and the pain. But I know I had the nightmare for a reason. The reason was that I should not neglect the past but salvaged what I've gained. Moving forward to a brighter future. With my goddess by my side.

Right. Memories were past events that are tied together with emotions. The more intense the bond the more attached it is to our being. The harder for us to move on with the burden. In pain we find comfort due to the familiarity. We are afraid of what we don't know so we'd rather stay with what we know even if it hurts. We are but people. But it is time we realize the reality of us. That we are human beings. With unlimited and unbounded potential. I'm ready to grow. Are you?

In the game of fate and consequence, I am blessed with the loss of my personal belongings. It is a blessing because I held those possession dear with many images and memories of my past. Yes I kept those that hurt too because I'm comfortable around the familiar hurt. I've been working hard to move forward but the baggage slowed me down.

In the game of fate and consequence I also was blessed with the fateful meeting of my goddess clad in blue. I met her with skepticism but ultimately fell in love. I'm now happy and on track to a beautiful future. 

I'm thankful. I appreciate my life more now. Things are brighter. I'm happier. I'm sure my goddess feels the same. Look, learn, Let go

Dark tides

As the clock strikes 3am. I've just gone through your written thoughts. I've not gone far. Only as far back to April. I have not read every single line as I glanced only. Attempting to learn of your past but not to dwell. At a point where I  learn of names and such I still do not know who I am identifying. I leave it there for now. As I close for the morning I felt a need to write to you.

As the watch cogs tick and the motors on the AC hums. My mind writes as you are fast asleep. My sweetheart. So dark has the past months been. Through some faint light shone through tinted glass have I read of your joy. I feel that it is not right for my goddess to have gone through such troubles. But as the past is passed. I too shall speak it only once and no more.

Now I have little to show for my past turmoils. I have not written them down. I feel that it might become baggage later on. So I lose them. But if you were to ask me to show you my dark past. I'd happily satisfy your request.

My love. Rest assured that I will love you with all my heart. The rest of my life I devote to your happiness. You've been hurt enough. You've had enough sleepless nights. You've cried enough tears. And so have I.

We may be deserving of this love we share now. As we play this game of fate and consequence, only time will tell of our future in love. But I'm going to work towards it. Because I believe in us. Because you believe in us. I'll be the best for you so that no other man may lay his finger on you. Not even their eyes are worthy of looking at you. I'll keep you safe and sound. Secure in my arms you will be. With you, I am, always.

As we meld into each other. Our dark tides collide and to my surprise... It has soothed our souls. We are much alike in many ways yet different. You're one weird adorable thing and I love you.

Ambiguous Speech

My mind is my playground,

Language, its purpose, an ambiguity. 

The purpose of having spoken language puzzles me. As we speak, we wish to penetrate the hearts, but failing to do so, we give only information.

Maybe verbal speech isn't the true form of communication.

Maybe back then, people hug each other and look into their eyes to deliver and comprehend each other's feelings, telephatically. 

Maybe when the world evolves, and knowledge spreads, it is then only human started speaking, for it was essential, only to deliver knowledge, but not emotions.

Maybe that's why when I speak 'I love you' some wouldn't believe it because I don't connect to their hearts. 

Maybe I should have hugged them tight instead, while letting the frequency of my heart beat resonates with theirs, so they would feel my love, instead of hearing my words.

That is how Physics goes, and Physics is the study of the universe. While humans are one of the many subjects of the universe. 

A private playground for my thoughts,

Shae

Orbiting around the moon

Have you ever met a person that would have changed the course of your life forever? A person who intertwined with your fate? A sudden encounter that forced your being to orbiting and revolving around this person? Have you?

A person with gravitational force so strong that you from your routine life was drawn out. Drawn into the life of the other. You felt as if you had no control and just submitted. But you were aware. Conscious the whole time. So what happened?

There are a handful of theories we can throw around that would have made sense. But usually this means challenging the thoughts that you have been comfortable with. That you were alone. That you knew where you stand. That this would never happen.

I am not going to enlighten you today for I would like to challenge you in your own thoughts. The fruits will taste sweeter this way.

I'm now orbiting around the moon. The celestial being I call my goddess. Sweet

To the readers

Good morning, afternoon, evening dear readers. I first want to thank you all for dropping by and reading our writing. We love to write and we hope you enjoy what we wrote. Now I would like to apologize for the progress of this blog. Let me just slowly clarify the situation yea?

Genesis.
Now. This blog started off as a platform for me and Shae to learn of each other's writing style. That is why it is titled 'we write'. Genesis, the beginning that set the stage for Prophecy to unfold. As we progressed as like minded authors we progressed into something more.

Progress.
I have knowledge of Shae's existence for many years now but held no significance. Until I read her writing and asked if she would be interested in writing with me. That is how this blog came about. Although we write but we've never spoken. Given the opportunity I would set the stage for our meet up. I asked her and she was skeptical. Initially we were at different parts of Malaysia. So she said we would meet up if fate played the right hand. I scoffed at the idea of fate back then because I do not want to believe in fate. I believed in consequence. That action = result. Well... now I'm proven wrong. Because of a number of weird turn of events we fell in love.

Prophecy.
It is said that reality exists twice. 1st in the mind then it's manifestation in real life. I would like to call this phenomena Being. Being humans we are given this amazing mind and a soul. Logic and intuition play hand in hand. Somehow fate, luck, coincidences can be read and understood. I had all too many dejavus to deny this understanding. As our thoughts unfold before us and insecurities melt away. It can only be labeled as a miracle.

Here. Now.
We now are in talks of whether to progress with this blog for our readers or to begin another that is more general and public friendly. More concise and focused. But whatever course of action we take you can be guaranteed that our content will be thought intriguing.

So readers. I thank you again for dropping by and reading our writing and again I apologize for these weird turn of events. Do give us feedback to let us know what you think.

Stay awesome people!!

Sweet sweet spot

Taking back my spot!

Jason is now a happy person, all credits to that weird girl. So, he writes and writes a lot and a lot. Look at all those he wrote. This is my first one in November, a very lucky month. 

It is an experience, too incredible to be told, for it must be felt with a heart and many nerves, while neglecting the rationals and reasons. Phenomenal, as he spoke of it, it felt right. I don't usually surrender to fate and destiny. For I am a stubborn girl who doesn't surrender much to anything (I always want to win), this time I lost the battle and am I glad to have lost because I was found. Two years or so ago, I was swept off my feet with the similar feelings. I surrendered to it immediately by giving in entirely because that was what I wished for. I have longed for relationship-longetivity. It didn't work. My givings failed to pay off and most of them went to waste. Then, I needed to find out and sort myself out. I grew cold towards this love people have always been talking about. I experimented with a guy, to find out if I could establish the very same feelings I have had for him. I couldn't. It was then I realized that I really loved him back then because I now know how to differenciate love from anything else. 

It must have been all set up. I was beginning to love myself more and I was at my most confident state of mind. My journey to the world is embarking and I am about to set my feet on adventures that will help me discover who I am, what I really want, apart from setting my targets in life as well as inspiring me in all aspects. I look forward so much to it that I felt good of all this happenings that I have made to come true. Then someone barged in without notice. Someone who I have met a long time ago, but never made real contacts with. We were both different back then. So different that I believe we would have despised each other. Agreed. Then everything happened miraculously. Only if you believe in miracles. His companionship was comfortable, not one that I would want to escape from. Every one of our conversations kept me intrigued and I felt alive. It is so rare and so exotic. It's like Ash, being able to meet Mewtwo in those shabby bushes or grassy fields. (Pokemon?) Picture that? That rarity. Yeah. That one.

Now I have my spot back!

She said

There are sure lots of things we talked about. Then she said for the 1st time.

I love you

I was like....

GREAT SUCCESS!!

So.... yea... that's what she said.
I'm happy

I'll see you again

As awesome as it might sound but it all happened in less than a month. It went and swept them  off their feet as if we were pieces of leaf litter in autumn. Swept by not the cold wind of autumn but by the summerwind. 2 partially damaged souls seeking an answer to self and love met. They fell in love almost instantly if not for the barriers they put up. A man with great vision who decided that love was a game of structure. A girl with great ambition who believed that love is not worthy of trust. A story of fate and consequence unfold. Love was found in the midst of losing it.

In that short time frame they met. Fell in love. Shared intimacy. Manifested a relationship that most people can only dream of. Perfect.

Perfection itself is flawed. As they met in this moment of time, they are still damaged souls recovering. Seeking answers to self and love. Fate played it's hand. But in order for them to truly test their love. Fate threw a challenge. A test of devotion.

They are young. Hungry for the different tastes of life. If indeed they succed in this test of devotion then they are truly worthy of love.

She is now embarking on a journey into the world. He is embarking on a journey into the unknown. They are apart but in love. God knows what the future holds. A matter of fate and consequence.

I need not words of affection to show you how I feel for you. And I too need not words to know your feelings for me. It's simple. Laughable. Lovely. Phenomenal.

Keep my heart close to yours. Let the taste of German beer recall the day we met. Let the trinked remind you of the moon and the stars. The sandy beach by the midnight ocean dark. Let my shirt carry the moment we kissed. The collar that you held on so tight as your body tingle with pleasure. Let these words reassure you that it was all a dream. A dream that came true. So I'll see you again someday my goddess clad in blue.

Ready.... Steady.... Kiss

There are many things I wished to do but didn't do it. Some things I put off for awhile. Some things I act to achieve immediately. Tonight I've played my hand and things... Sweet.

Butterflies. Little bubbles of excited anxiety and bundle of nerves. I had her in my arms and I knew at that moment I had to kiss her...

Shy and somewhat timid. Hidden inside an explosion of passion. Little by little, efforts would have seem to have been in vain until there was a sign that says go. So I waited as I advance for the green light which would have paved the way for that kiss.

I took a chance at a place for the 3rd time. It did not result in my favor. Then we had conversations. Songs were sang. In the trails of a friend aiming to fright. Finale unfolds in a lot by the park. Moving slowly with every conversation, touch and pecks. Until it finally hit the clear.

At that moment, the right note was played. The sign was shown. I acted instantly after building up towards it. Sweetness.... Silence.... Then sounds of savor. Beautiful

Fun fact: The sense of smell is very important in contributing to the well being of future generations.

Poetic polar

The expression of literary art 

As rough as a trees brown bark 

As fine as teeth on skins of shark 

As ominous as the space thats dark 

A word, a meaning, an expression 

Poetic polar in which direction 

Commanding releasing comprehension 

Loosing time space in measures of fraction 

A glass of shiraz wine in Bordeaux 

A taste of the sea at Hokkaido 

A pint of lager beer in Berlin

A feeling of comfort in Kuching 

Sweet moments we have we converse 

Playing a sweet tune in the universe 

Crossed lines of our high and low 

Here we spin again, cosmogyro 

You and I 

Pluviophile

In the rain 

All the while 

Observe the world 

in other words 

with nouns and verbs 

letters absurd 

Ring the bell 

time will tell 

of our tale 

succeed or fail 

Grab that ale 

Together we sail 

Leaving a trail 

Like pirates we hail 

Will not stale 

Hungry as hell 

Hard as nails 

seeking the Grail 

That shines light pale 

Measured not in scales 

The imposed fell 

In living cell 

Longer I string 

The more I think 

Let me sing 

This poetic thing  

I love you

3 words I'll repeat for you

3 days at KL I fell for you

3 days in Kuching that I've spent with you

21 Finally I've met you

7 times I'll now say to you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I'll run out into crowd

I'll shout your name out loud

I will say again and again I love you

I will not deny that this is true

Again and again I'll repeat for you

My Sapphire. My Goddess clad in blue

I will gladly announce my affection towards you

Again and again I'll say...

I love you

A new world

Spearheading into a new life. There will be new things and new challenges that lie ahead. As much as I'd like to see it before it hits me its almost impossible. I could avoid a few problems but I guess I'll be as prepared as ever to take it head on.

I am a strategic player with a taste for taking chances. As much as I like to make plans I also like to jump right in and get started. Will I end up with regrets? Maybe. Will I end up hurt? Maybe. Will I possibly end up permanently damaged? Maybe. But.... What if I win? What if I could achieve what I want? What if there are no what ifs and maybes???

Well there aren't any. That is why I just do it. Whatever I gain is not a what if or maybe but it is what it is. Clear off doubts. Clear off concerns. Because I'm going to die someday and I want to die happy. Happy about that fact that I did what I wanted even if I didn't achieve what I wanted. To know I loved with all my heart and loved as best as I can. To work at my best to make things happen even if everything was up to me. I'd carry all the burdens because I know what I want and I want it. I'm a blind fool who is chasing a dream. Achieved, awesome. Failed, move on.

Being me, I am hard to read and hard to please. I have high standards and I work hard to meet them. I work around my passion and I work it well. I don't stand by and let things go its course. I must find involvement somehow. If life happens and put me at a place that challenges me I would simply give thanks and keep moving forward. That is one side of me.

Being me, I am loving and passionate. I enjoy lazy days cuddling and kissing the one I love. I make peace with the Universe and allow things to take it's course. But I want to watch as the world turns so I can make plans to flow with it. I don't complain nor do I doubt. I trust and I keep living.

Now I am at a place where I find things totally new. To have met her changed my life and she is all I want right now. It is so crazy when I see it from the eyes of my past. Because if I was to be me then I would have moved on when the word "commitment" was uttered. I had too much to do, too much to think about. In a relationship where there is extra effort involved I would say to myself "I'd rather not". I've had a bad bad experience with that. I can't make progress and my past held me back. I'd rather be alone and keep working. But in order to do that I had to shut down my heart. How? Break it la.

I had time to mend my heart and had time to rearrange my thoughts. Just like a flash of light she appeared and jump start my feelings again. I had a difficult time falling in love until I met her. That has been enough for me to believe that there is hope. But being brought into this anew I am guessing that there are plenty of adjustments I have to make to fit into the new mold.

Just now I held her hand and she started going all weird. I found it adorable the fact that she acted as such when I attempted intimacy. Although it is somewhat ambiguous, my mind wanted answers. All I can think of are the words she spoke. It made me feel happy to hear that she would be happy to be with me. That her awkwardness was because she had feelings for me. This is new to me. I have to learn to fit into this for now. Until she is ready for intimacy I will not force and advance. But I would keep trying. Maybe until she submits or says no. I duno, will work around it.

I have no doubt that I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. But as they say, it takes 2 to tango. Even if I do my best to make this relationship last it would also require her to do her part. I do not demand much or if anything at all. I just have to trust her and her heart to give. This is also new to me as I would have demanded affection and pleasure.

I make no promises and keep no promises. I just know for fact that if she loves me I will love her in return. If she decides to leave then I'll let her go. Simple.

But I trust her with all my heart. Trust that she will learn to love me passionately on her own accord. I will not ask her to change but I will state what I would like. Her deciding to change is her own will. That is what I feel is right.

This is the beginning. The beginning of the last. For the one and only.

Leong Shay Mei

Lovely you are 

Exquisite like a star 

Overwhelming my mind 

Nestled in my heart 

Gracious from the start 

Sweet is your name 

Heavens spoke the same 

Awesome in every way 

You are every single day 

Magnificent beauty 

Eccentricly lovely 

Innocently sexy 

Commitment. An act of selfishness

What are commitments? A binding contract? A leash on free will? What do you think?

I've always saw commitment as an important but incomplete concept to most. The way that people think, feel and carry commitment has got me confused. So I look into it and this is what I've found.

Duty, responsibility, commitment. Is made by choice. So it's origin is from oneself and own's will. That means we are free to choose the level of commitment. Usually that is not what people see. People feel as if they have No choice but to accept what is given. When chance hits them they do not know how to act. So they give in thinking that they have submitted to life. But I don't see it that way.

I see a duty, responsibility, commitment as an opportunity to act. To make a choice to pursue what I want. I have my free will. That's how I see it.

I make commitments for myself. I want to act on my behalf. Because it is my desire. I don't make commitments because people ask me to. I do it because I want to. I'm a gentleman badass. An honest thief. A settled nomad. A brilliant fool. An idiot genius. Cuz I is aweshum

Squishy hands

Beautiful, adorable, loveable, love

Remember that night with the stars above?

Remember how to moon graced us late

A moment we did not expect to wait

Feeling the sand beneath our feet
To the ocean our feets greet
Feeling the warmth of your hand
I feel for a moment a complete man
Although we know life will pass with moments
And the past moments have been lonesome
Until now that I've met you my dear
I want to hold your hand through all my years
In time we will see as life reveals
The beauty of love in the way we feel
In your eyes my mind stands still
In your presence my heart is thrilled
Words are not enough to express
These feelings for you that never rest
These thoughts of you at it's best
This love for you that will not less
As I string these words
With nouns and verbs
Little by little in bursts
My mind, my heart stirs

I've been conscious and unconscious
And I've been through stages
Writing all these pages
That will last the ages

I love you my muse
Your little things, I am amused
With my mind and heart fused
I write in blacks, whites, greys and blues

All the moments that we've had
Thinking back makes me glad
Remember that night on the sands
For the 1st time I held your squishy hand 

Letter to my love.

Dear love.

I have words that exist now and not any other time in existence. I have neglected my consciousness through numbing and removed my glasses to write to you in as pure as the essence it derives. Whatever word I pour out is what it is and I filter no mistake except of those that misspell. The correction would not allow me to further my writing with red squiggly lines. So here I am. Writing for you. With words true.

It has been a short while since we've met. I can say that it has been phenomenal. Natural. Beautiful. You have been a blessing. A miracle. The magnificence that would be remembered through out a lifetime or 2. I have been fortunate enough to have met you. But as all things in life, we are now only a recorded memory. Something that will pass and surely be passed. But with you I have memories that I hold dear and I will continue to embrace until my body atrophies. The essence of time is of now. The significance of it all relies on the meaning. The meaning is up to us to decide. For me, it is in pure essence timeless, elegant beauty. Your delicate soft tones and your shades. Your sudden burst of comical and your everlasting insane. Runs down my core and into my soul I feel that you are the one I want to be without. You are the one who has set my heart aflame and my soul in deep waters. I love you for that.

You are soon to leave and a distance would be created. I hope nothing but the best for you and your life. Your dreams and your aspirations compare nothing to my desires. For you are my goddess and I will see to it that your heart is pleased. I will do as my heart wills and my heart wills for you. Although you might be far but to me we will not be apart. You are young, full of potential. Gifted with beauty and intellect. Gifted with talent and meaning. I am but just a man who have been graced with the presence of you. That is how I feel. So I thank you.

As I write this letter I pour out what is on my mind at this moment. You asked if I would have changed in 5 years time and I will say yes. After thoughts, I would change in various ways. But my devotion to you will not waver. For my heart has set its will to love you as best as I can.

I demand nothing but your happiness in return for my efforts. My love for you is not with conditions nor labels. I am as I am. You are as you will. We are as love is present. In your search for what love means to you, I hope that you find happiness that you deserve. From me or from what your heart desires.

I wish to carve this letter in stone so that time will not erase it quickly. To embody the will of my heart in the form of words. I thank you sweet goddess. I love you. Good night doll. This I wish to say to you.

Love, Jason.

Stars shine as the moon peaks

It has been extraordinary. Surreal even. Will I wake up tomorrow and only recall it as a dream? Memories fade in and out of our lives. Those that pass us by and those that are etched into our souls. Meeting tonight, this morning with my goddess is one of those I'd want to carve in stone. So I'll just write the chronicles in memory of the events past.

It was a Saturday. 12 October to be exact. I felt butterflies. Butterflies formed from a feeling the night before. The 1st encounter struck me. the little conversation with a soft voice. The pan noodles at kelana, the ikea meatballs, the bierhaus, the taco. the books. The music boxes. the gundam fair. The missed shuttle. The taxi. The train. the moments. I swore I could hear music in the background as it all happened.

Sunday. 13 October. Met at central. got to atm. Scammed for 70rm. Looked for banana fritters. End up with tosei. snapped a picture. Left the shits. went back to central. had chatime, met with friend, sent off at late.

Monday. 14 October. baggage ran away with accommodation. Flight time mistaken. Met at pods. Blue shoe tool at platform 23/4. A styrofoam map with pins. 4am I awoke, sapphire I wrote. morning call at 7am. Groggy breakfast pbnj. to the bus, to the lcct and back.

Saturday. 26 October. misdirection but made it. bratak mayau, swak crocs vs pahang gajah. Winner goes to finals. 2 wbeer and 2 on the go. by the beach, feel the sand and shore. Failed a magic trick. 1am lights out, stars shine. Miraculous weather. Moon peaks from the mountain behind the clouds. had a plan, no plan. unexpected. Anxious. realized. Happy.

Crazed mind recollection of memories. painted in faint detail. Attached with sweet memory and given meaning.

Though young, this love, I will not wait for it to mature. I will see it through little at a time. Guiding, devoting, paving.

I'll anticipate as it unfolds like the beauty of starry skies in darkened times and the moon that peaked out from behind in time.

Thoughts about life.

Life is like this thing. You're never too sure but at the same time pretty sure about what's gonna happen. A glass of water on the table. Take it, drink it. Leave it, evaporates. It's somewhat expected no? But what if a bird flies down and snatches it? Or an angry ogre with a mid life crisis crushes it with it's mace of malice? You'll never hear the end of it and probably thinking that it's not ever gonna happen. But what if it does?

Life is full of what ifs and maybes. Full of the uncertain, unknown and ignored. Left in the blue by most that fear to lose in order to gain. Yes. Life itself is a paradox. a catch 22. A contradiction. Expect the unexpected. How day hell are you gonna expect something that is not going to be expected?

So I submit to life but at the same time rule over it. You can say life made me it's bitch and imma make it my bitch. Not making sense??  Moving on then.

So far we have been given the idea that we are free to make our choices. Yet when you look at it, we are still governed by our paradigm and the laws of physics. Even the wish of flight is a good example of our limitations to our so called freedom. But as human beings we are stubborn, rebellious and kinda smart. So we fight physics with physics + innovation. Little of those can appreciate being in a chair, thousands of meters off the ground breaking the sound barrier to get from point A to B in mere hours. The pleasures now compared to back then requires at least months or even years to reach.

As evolved as we are technologically, we have not grown much spiritually. I know what's on your mind. This whole spiritual thing is bullshit. But just give me a moment to explain. We as human beings have humanity. Something interesting. Something we can use to relate to other humans. But we seem to have left it stagnant. We communicate alot yes. But we rarely connect. Example. Have you been to a party with lots of people and felt completely alone? Yes? It is because we might share an interaction or conversation but we did not share our humanity. We shared information like our digital gadgets. So spirituality in this sense is being more human and less robot.

So I've said enough for today. These are my thoughts on life for now. Enjoy life, seek happiness, be serious and be not so serious. Because I'm a pirate and I'm notorious for stealing people's hearts with custard bombs. They call me Joofus

Frozen to liquid.

There is a reason I don't give into hope. Where fate is just an expression for what I believe is leading to false hope. False hope, false expectations and false everything. I see it as just this fleeting tho comforting notion to raise ones feeling of security and joy for that moment. For what? What good can you do with a false sense of security? You're gonna end up 6 feet under one day so why the worry?

That was what I thought. When I was this fast paced, cold hearted, straight forward thinker. I felt that hope and fate were the dumbest of ideas. Only to keep your mind off the subject of pain and focus from the problems. My ritual when I felt pain then was to embrace it completely by numbing it with more pain. Self destructive I was. The reason mainly because I had only one reason to live for and that is myself. But now that has changed.

In the past 30 days I lost most my belongings, faced turbulence in my business and met with hardship. In a swift moment life slapped me in the face with all these troubles. I felt disturbed, annoyed, frustrated by the fact that I've worked so hard to gain what I've desired and required just to see it wash away. The realist in me looked at it as a loss. The optimist on the other hand saw beauty. I began to open up after a day or two. Looking forward to what was coming next. Like newborn, the world seemed more bigger and stranger. I am close to nothing at this point. Starting fresh.

Fortunately. By the strange alignment of the stars or some celestial arrangement I met someone. Someone who surprisingly inspired me with ideas. The idea of hope, fate, action, consequence. I've always been the cause and effect type of guy. If I act I get consequences. She somehow was able to inspire me with the idea that hope and fate can be inserted into the equation. I had some trouble accepting that idea but when I look back and join the dots. Yea... Fate can happen. And she became this beacon of hope. Lovely

So I looked into myself and reevaluating my ideals. I re-calibrated myself into the situation. I started to see greater things. I wanted change.

I've been having this desire to change but something held me back. Memories and stagnant thoughts kept me at bay from reaching out for more. I had to take a punch in the face from life to show me that it is finally time to let go. So I did. Just to find someone that would be whom I will now refer to as my Goddess.

I'm now much more free. I'm letting go. To be received by the future. The uncertainty feels good. I will seek to know whats ahead.

Intoxicated words.

Sweetheart. I love you. Words flowing out of me like water through a stream. Free and untamed. pure and infiltrated.

Whatever I know might be a delusion but I'm happy to know that I have you.

As simple as words said it requires the feelings involved in the heart.

My goddess so lovely and true
Happy I am to have met you
In your many shades of blue
Lost in love I am. in love with you.

Initiative

Taking the 1St step. Into uncertainty. Scary no? Why is it so? There is opportunity out there and life is short. Is that not enough reason to take that chance and see where it goes?

Honestly, I too have feared taking initiatives. Because I like to know that I'll be safe. To know that harm won't get to me. To feel that nothing can take away from me what I have now. I was living a lie.

Water that does not move will become stale. Stale water is toxic. If we stayed at a place without moving it will be against nature. For nature has set us all to grow and move forward. To evolve and to generate. Even if you do nothing your body will continue to regenerate and then degenerate. Then you die. Left without notice and brought along a bag of nothing but regrets.

I've been given many opportunities because I seeked for them. Once I've met them and attained them I cherish them. Because hard enough we seek nutrients we shouldn't waste them. I'm speaking from the perspective of nature. Sadly society and civilization have created too much excess that have spoiled our minds. Losing precious values and cultivating new ones to consume the access.

Take initiative, strive, attain, cherish

Sparks

Something intuitive yet scientific. It is felt and somewhat measured. But truth be told, it holds it own special place to human kind.

The spark phenomenon is the beginning of a relationship. It's the foundation of a bridge between 2 individuals. Label it as you wish but it revolves around a similar pattern.

In that moment of time, a simple smile and conversation will leave you with questions rather than answers. The questions depending on it's depth will drive you towards seeking the answers. The answers will reveal themselves through time.

A spark is formed when we meet. Through our feelings and experiences we determine what form of relationship we want to build. It is only a question of levels and degrees.

My experiences has led me to determine quickly and accurately what relationship I want to build. In order to achieve my desired outcomes I seek to act in haste. So I commit beforehand and build from there. Usually this will not be the choice for most. They take their time calculating risks and returns. Ultimately leading to a point where they feel insecure and let go. I take into consideration all aspects and take them by the helm. Because I know the search for answers is not an easy one.

Nobody said it was easy. Nobody said it will be this hard.

Blaming it on Love and Relationships

Lighting you up,

As a girl, dramas and films (Taiwanese, Japanese, Korean, American, British...) made me fantasize about love and relationships. Have you ever watched the movie 'Serendipity'? Exactly, that was my love fantasy. My innocence could appear laughable but it is now to me, respectable. I respect the childish innocence that was once living in me because it had no fears of what was to come, also because it always perceived the world beautifully.

I believe we all know by now the plots they use in love entertainments: The couples were good, had an argument or a misunderstanding, they grew cold, misunderstandings solved, ending (happy or sad or dead). There is one thing though, that I still search while watching those entertainments nowadays (a lot lesser now)- the moment when they fight for each other to keep it going. It wrenches my heart. It satisfies my emptiness but always, later on, leaves me feeling worse and more emotionally wrecked. Films and dramas are a success because people seek comfort in what they cannot have.

Because of those love entertainments, I came to believe that anyone who claims to love you will stand tall and stand strong for you. But the harsh reality pulled me down. They claimed that it was love, but they didn't binge a little when you were down with emotional difficulties. Why? Because these problems are hard to solve, and that would mean the effort requires time. Time would be an investment. The person who claimed to love just happened to don't think that it was a wise investment to solve your problems. So they left. And that's how we came to a conclusion that love and relationships are so fragile. Is that so?

Relationships are not fragile. Nor is love. They are perceived as so because the intentions and desires to keep them strong were never there at the first place. Or they were there initially, but they were later withdrawn. The mind is the controller, and the body is the toy. Humans are fragile. Because a toy wears out, and a controller breaks down. But we never want to admit our fragility because we are the dominants in a food chain and because we are afraid of seeing the flaws under the light. So we blame it on love and relationships.

Shae

To love

Recently I've been inspired to think and review on my perception towards love and relationship. This inspiration came from me falling in love. It has propelled me to look into myself and others for answers. Answers to questions I've previously answered before. Although it has only been a year since my last failed attempt in a relationship, I have seen changes within my ideals towards love and relationship. It's time to recalibrate.

Here I will write what I've learned to understand about love and relationship. It's going to be a long one. Although not complete, it serves as a foundation. So let's begin.

I always seek answers scientifically, spiritually and emotionally. Spiritually meaning metaphysically. Emotionally meaning my instincts and intuition. Scientifically meaning from the origin.

Love, so far as I've learned, is abstract. To each person love is unique. The way they interpret, express and perceive are based on their unique experiences and reference. It's a feeling, it's a thought, it's an action. Love is build around a desire. A desire to grow. To expand. To create.

Relationships are build through connection. Through humanity. Love is the energy. The more you love yourself, the better you are at understanding yourself and others. Love is universal and personal.

The relationship between a man and a woman is based on the instinctive drive to populate and educate. Monogamy is the norm. It is a social standard. But most importantly it's also a personal choice. One can also choose polygamy. The interesting thing is that if one is self seeking then one will practice monogamy For polygamy, the opposite is true. Marriage is not what binds relationship together, it's the parties involved and their choice that determines the result.

Love, romance, sex. 3 key elements that is required to form a beautiful relationship. The romance will enrich the relationship of love and sex will bind it all together. I personally believe that an equal balance is preferred but nothing is perfect. Although perfection cannot be achieved but it can be pursued. That usually ends up with the best result.

Self. The main reason why most people fail in love is because they themselves do not understand or work towards understanding what it is and what it means to them. How can one share a glass of water if the glass is empty?

Lover. Is not you. You can influence them but you can't control them. You may be a part of them but never completely them. You might share the same feeling but in separate different ways. Never depend on them for love but always love as best as you can.

My opinion on what a beautiful relationship should look like. Let me paint you a picture. 2 individuals, commits to themselves and each other. To grow, to learn, to love. Free from conditions. Each individual decides their own actions. Given the freedom to act upon and trusted that their actions will result in a happy and desirable result. This is not for those who are insecure. This is only for the little few who are sure they will love and be loved.

Sadly, it is all to common to see love wasted, denied and abused. The reason is because little have learned to appreciate. Appreciating self and lover. Appreciation is the key to a successful, long term, happy relationship. It Works hand in hand with devotion, faith and loyalty.

I personally practice monogamy or should I say, aiming for it. I want to fill my relationship with love, sex and romance. I want to shower my lover with loving gestures that pleasures her senses. I will give all that I can and all that I am because love is worth it. To love is to be love.

Siding Where

Has it ever crossed your mind,

When I fell head over toes with someone, there is a bigger possibility that someone is already ahead of you. Putting it in a more obscene way, you're just having someone's leftover. But no, that is too unpleasant to those delicate human ears and those whose egos are high above the clouds. (Don't go raging yet, I promise the good ones are still behind.) Still, we can't deny the harsh truth, right? If you agree, then, welcome to the reality- where not even love is a fantasy.

It's true and I have some points there, but wait. Let's take a look from the brighter side. When I swept someone off my feet, I have stolen someone's heart from somebody else. That is a great change, isn't it? Well, it must have happened for a reason. The very reason that I have attractions good enough to make that change. Now, that's a glorious thing, right? You made it happened for yourself!

Humans naturally contradict themselves. That's all I have to say.

Pick your side,

Shae

Heart broken

Draw upon your smile sweetheart

As if our love has never part

I draw your expression on canvas of art

With a knife I cut to leave a mark

Maybe I'm just a little stuck

Maybe I'm just a little out of luck

Maybe I'm just staring at the clock

Thinking about the time that we fought

I'm sorry my love for my broken heart

I know that we both have been scarred

I open our book again to write one last part

I'm going to let you go now. My final card

I make no sense and that is true
I leave my last words even if it is cruel
For so long I have been a fool
So so long now and goodbye I bid to you

A Sight. A Sound. A Statement.

Everyday we are bombarded by stimuli coming from every direction. All your senses that are now so used to all this seemed to have shut down to most of it. When was the last time when you looked at your keyboard and thought "wow". You'd pretty much have missed out on something truly awesome because what you don't realize makes you ignorant. Look at your keyboard. Go ahead. Now think. Where da hell and how da hell did this thing come about? The moment you press a key and an alphabet or number appears on your screen. Every single press sends electric signals informing your computer to respond. Commanding data right at your finger tips. But no one really looks into it nowadays huh?

You see but you don't perceive. That is a more simpler way to put it. You don't really give the attentiona and focus of thought into it. You are not to be blamed though. Our capacity of mind only allows us to have minimal attention to the most important things at the moment. Unless you are savant which you would have to trade your normal person skills for an autistic genius if you are so inclined. Non the less, we are still capable of doing great things if procided we give it our attention.

Today I have gained new experiences and I'm glad to say I have forgotten most of it. Yep, I'll never remember where I've landed my feet and how many steps I've taken. Why? Normal kan? You must be thinking I'd be crazy if I could remember it all and you'd be right. Unless I've the intention of counting the steps I might be able to do so. But then I would have missed out on the sights and sounds.

So I've spent my day with a Singaporean Trainer who trains hotel staff on the topic of Better Customer Service. We shared many interesting pieces of information and made plans. Millionaires in 2 years. Yes kinda ambitious but it's one of those feelings things. I've just met him and there we go conversing for hours on end about our common interests. Then I met an Italian girl born and raised in France. Got the pleasure of learning about her travels and home at Bordeaux. Then near the pods backpackers I was treated to shots of hot water, soda, whiskey mix. conversed with the mamak stall owners and also taxi drivers and also a sabahan social works employee.

Those little details in conversation I can recall due to the focus I've given it. I receive and I analyse my experiences. I then carve then in stone through writing. I write from a sight. a sound. and a statement.

Lover's Play

Guten Abend,

I was sitting right in the middle of the back passenger's seat like I usually do when there was only 3 travelling in the car. The other 2 were my parents, my lovely parents. At one moment I kept quiet, clearing my head, just mesmerizing the views, while listening to their conversations. I chuckled softly and smiled contentedly to myself, while they were arguing like children over my mother's little habits.

'Why do you keep hitting your hand with your knuckles?'

'My hand feels sore mah! Do you think I want to hit it?'

She is a restless woman, while my father a more composed man. Another funny thing that I noticed is when my mother kept turning the car wipers on and off when she wasn't actually even driving. She was sitting at the front passenger's seat and just happened to have had a pair of restless hands. (I don't even know how my father could just calmly drive and let her restlessness took over, because I just can't.)

They have been happily married for 33 years. I could have never been happier if it wasn't for my parents' love and affection. I was once asked, 'How do you think you parents manage their marriage?' I answered, 'Because my father loves to tease my mother a lot.' I am not sure if my answer was taken seriously back then, but I could never answer it differently. Ask me again, I would still say the same. My father does tease my mother a lot, and this is how he portrays and conveys his love and affection.

I have once been in a relationship with a very serious man. I looked up very much to him, and I still do. I admire the aura of seriousness that he gives out and I came to respect him a lot. That was which gave way to my deep affection. But it was tough to survive in such circumstances. I couldn't be described as 'fragile'. But with him, I was nothing, merely a thin piece of glass. It weighed me down and it was very hard to keep up with. After all, I'm not born with a clown's qualities and I had to be a clown in that relationship. Teases were almost impossible, because he took everything so seriously that I wouldn't even dare make a spontaneous silly joke. Every steps and every words needed deep and thorough considerations.

That was pretty much when I started to think that a lover's play is an essential quality in holding up a relationship. A friendly tease portrays how we are comfortable with each other. A gentle pat on the head is a sign of affection and protection, while letting the lady feel safer and a little smaller in the hands of the man. (I'm pretty sure every girls have the thought of just wanting to feel little once in a while.) A pinch in the cheek, a funnily cute bro-fist, 'Go die' that doesn't literally means asking him or her to die...

I guess lovers just need a little fun, because that's what it is meant for right? If you can love happily, what else is more important than just living in the fun? 

Poke poke,

Shae

Whats on my mind.

After gaining more access to blog again I found release. The thoughts that lingered in my mind cried to be expressed. It was a craving of the mind, of the heart. My medium of creative expressions are my words. Once given the opportunity, I'll write to my heart's content. Now I wish to write out what the thoughts I've carried with me for the past few days and now.

For the past months I have nothing but me on my mind. My career, my finance, my happiness, my plans, my pleasures and my pains. Other than working towards my career goals I have nothing else to look forward to. I'm emphasizing on this because I met a person that would have messed me up so good that changed that.

But before I go into details about this person I would like to say thanks to misfortune. By having my laptop, hard drive and basically everything that contained most of my digital possessions have been stolen from me. Stolen by a burglar in a break in. Just on my 2nd night stay at a place far from home. So life is a bitch but I love it. It helped me let go and realize many things that I can actually live without. Memories sweet and memories bitter. Paved a new way for new opportunities. And that where she came into the picture.

So what was going on in my mind? Well, I was pretty spontaneous when it all happened. She just happened to be an old school mate of mine which I've paid little to no attention to. She just seemed pretty cute. That was my impression of her. Then I have no idea how it came by but we started writing with each other and I thought it would be great if I could meet her to know her better. So we did meet up. Something weird did happen tho the night before the day. I actually had a feeling. A feeling so right. That tomorrow is going to be so damn right. That feeling of surety and confidence as if you've already won and you're about to grab hold of that prize. Then the next day I head out to meet her. As I call to speak to her for the 1st time I have no idea what to expect. But I had one thing, I had butterflies. Damn fucking weird. I've not had butterflies for so long and when it happened I just stop, dropped and rolled. I was actually starting to feel anxious meeting this person. What the hell? Weird. Ok. So I met her. The moment I met up with her I lost it. All butterflies and anxiety became dust. It felt natural. In a better word, phenomenal.

After that day, I was fine. Or that's what I thought. So I went about my things as I would. But then in a turn of events I've lost a place to stay and my luggage was on its way to a place far far away til the morning. So I needed a place to stay. Fortunately for me but maybe not so fortunate for her, she mistaken her flight schedule a day early. So I had the chance to spend some time with her. Then and there at the 2 3/4 platform I went stupid. Was is fatigue? Did I lack sleep? Was I lacking in nutrition? Have I lost my mind? Turns out, I did.

This change brought about a change on my perspective about love and relationship. So I was asked, "what kind of relationship is good to you?. So I thought about it. I couldn't give her a complete answer as I was reconstructing my views. I needed a reference. After hanging out with 2 friends of mine who are dating and another 2 who are married, I get to observe their relationship. I used these references to think back onw hat I thought was a relationship I desired and narrowed down to what I want. At the moment, here is what I see.

I would love to have a relationship with a person who compliments me. Who can share and support each others strengths and weaknesses. Different in terms of preference but similar in values. To love and to be free. I do not want to be tied down nor to tie my other half down. I embrace freedom. Freedom of ones own will. I want to be trusted by my love to be devoted and loyal the same way I'd trust her. I want passion, fiery love, adventure, happiness.

Maybe I saw that in her. Maybe my instincts are trying to tell me something. Maybe there are so many maybes. But for now. maybe. I'll continue later.

I love not to be loved.

Call me stupid. 

Call me a fool. 

But I love you. 

I love you because I do. 

You don't have to love me tho 

There is nothing you owe 

Just smile love and I'll know 

More in love I'll fall 

Now I'm lost 

At a lost 

Lost of words 

To be continued 

From A to B

I am an entrepreneur. I move from strength to strength creating a life fulfilling. Today I want to write about the logistics of my adventure as a busy dude.

I am now currently embarking on yet another 3 hour journey in a metal box on wheels from Ipoh, Perak to Kl. With nothing much to do I mostly think. I think as my mind desires. Usually my thoughts would consist of new ideas of products or services, new marketing ideas, best sales pitch, presentations, prospects, clients. I enjoy these thoughts and they aid me as a simulation to the actual events. But today I have another thought in mind.

I've travelled by land, air, sea to get to places where opportunity lie. I meet people from far and wide, learning and relating to their experiences. I am rarely at home at home. I seek to be out and about. But sometimes it can be rather tiring.

Many hotel rooms, motel rooms with their single serving shampoos make me feel rather lonesome. But no matter where I am I have friends at arm's reach. The only fear I have honestly is to lose an opportunity. An opportunity comes only but once.

Getting from A to B is part of life. We all move forward. Alone mostly. But when there is a companion then things become interesting. The world now is my home. Where I go I bring my heart. Where I am now, that's where my heart is.

Lovely

Lovely 

You love so beautifully 

Elegance 

Your nature of brilliance 

Sexy 

Oh so sweet and tender 

Quirky 

Your words I'll remember 

Awakened by the morning 

Feeling the chill of the cold

As I observe the sun dawning 

I felt warm from your hands I hold 

In my mind, we will stay here always 

In love 

In my heart, I will love you always 

My love 

How I long for the touch of your hand 

To hold on to, to kiss, just because I can 

I'm most fortunate, most proud to be your man. 

The rest of my life with you I want to spend. 

Goddess with your eyes so lovely 

Your love heavenly 

Your voice speaks tenderly 

I surrender to love willingly 

In my head. In my heart.

I've been well known by my friends as a lady killer of sorts. I've been able so far to attract prospective lovers far and wide. But what is it that I am really seeking? Is it love? Or just mere lust? What happened to commitment? I question myself this.

In my teenage years I've seeked the answer to love. What it means to be in love. What is this commitment thing? How to build a long lasting relationship? I did this mainly because of my parents.

They went through a rocky marriage and ended up in a divorce. I grew up observing this marriage. I compared it other families. Something was wrong. I needed to know what it takes to make things right.

Through the course of my later teenage years I begin experimenting with relationships. Little by little I understood very well the workings of attraction, of the emotions, of the persons involved in a relationship. I want to thank my mother for always reminding me that if I was to love someone then love her wholeheartedly and with utmost devotion.

As I seek to understand I found myself in a relationship that seemed to be the one that I could go long term. Meaning marriage. I was convinced that I knew enough to build a relationship that would last. I desired for this relationship. Sadly it ended. It ended due to the imbalance. I was matured in thought. planning each and every step to ensure the future comforts and establish a foundation for a family I would be happy and proud of. She on the other hand seeked the same but without considering the foundation. It fell apart.

Right after the incident I became doubtful of commitment. I felt that as a young man I could please myself without having to commit. I had youth by my side. So I seeked and dated. To fill the void of which I couldn't alone. It wasn't sex nor intimacy. I didn't know until a thought crossed my mind.

I was looking for an anchor. A person who I could connect and commit to. This came as a surprise because commitment was never an attractive idea. So I became wary and only seeked for a long term relationship.

I started to think back and I found that commitment was what I've wanted along. But who? It can't just be anybody. So I set myself a very high standard.

Just recently I was fortunate enough to have met someone. Someone I felt connected to almost immediately. After spending time with her it felt right. So I decided to commit to this wonderful person. But this time, I'll commit 1st. Weird? I guess. Uncommon? Yep. Why? Because I'd rather play a game of chance at an opportunity than to let it pass me by. Will I end up hurt? Maybe. Is it worth the trouble? Definitely.

Ever since I've held this idea in my head She became significant to my heart. I don't expect a return. I just wanted to feel happy.

This notion changed my view on relationships. I became conscious of my idea of monogamy and polygamy. I found that I just wanted to be in love and committed to 1 person. I seek now to find gratification that lasts.

I fear not of the future for uncertainty is the only certainty. moving one step at a time it will slowly be revealed.



Now for something totally related. I was brought to the police station last night after purchasing soap at a 711 and witnessing a husband beat his wife. Before I could stop him he pushed her out his car and sped off. I went over to help her and she called the police. I went as witness. Made a friend and gained one heck of an experience.

So sad to see relationships ending like this.

Lightness

I've read a book,

The summary of the story: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096332/plotsummary

Also, it is available in movie, and of course, free e-books.

Lightness, in terms of a relationship, is a state of zero commitment, no burdens and not tied down by the other. It usually comes in forms of seeking pleasure rather than staying for a person. That says, one night stand, friends with benefits, etc. All in all, meaning sexually active but unattached. 

Lightness: good or bad? 

Youth, it stirs me to explore and to experiment. They naturally don't usually come hand in hand with commitment. Curiosity drives us everywhere, and the forward velocity itself is rather unstoppable. It is like given a hard push on the back from the edge, and we fall with the gravity's acceleration, an acceleration not ours to take charge of. Thus we let it overrides our bodies as we go along and fit in with its momentum. We fall fast, but at the same time, we fall hard. Let's do the maths here, shall we? No, I kid you. But it's countable. And you can see that a well-controlled momentum definitely exerts less force (impulsive force as we crash) if compared to momentum led by the gravitational force. So, is it good or bad, in terms of experimenting with falling?

I have been asking people around lately, 'Are you committed to your current relationship?' Let me explain. Committed here I would mean, ready for a long run relationship. Do I sound evil now? I do feel a little evil. I get a lot of yes. Probably the only no comes from me. Honestly, that actually hits me hard, on my head. The society sees being committed as morally good, and uncommitted the otherwise. I am a bad person, morally, and in the eyes of the society. Only because majority take being committed as good, why does the minority suffer the being labelled as 'wrong'? Let me take you back to our moral lessons. I remember we had all the true and false Q&A. A child who plays truant is taken as a rebellious kid. That is because majority of the adults and the society take playing truant a bad behavior. But, Einstein played truant all the time too. Why did the society overlook his past childhood, but only glorify what he had given to us until today? A person is a whole, shouldn't we all learn to accept one wholly, instead of just partially? In that case, was Einstein at fault for skipping schools and lessons because he was an unbelievable smart ass and all the subjects in school were just a waste of time? Why is committed right, but not being committed wrong? A commitment should not be forced. It should be a choice. A choice where both being committed and not committed are taken just as equally as one another. In this case, I figure, the society still doesn't approve of lightness. So, is it good or bad?

Yesterday, a friend looked at me with cautious eyes and questioned me, 'So you never thought of settling down?' My answer was a contradiction, to my surprise. Here, I blabber about not wanting to be committed, but I know somehow, everyone wants a stable relationship at the end of their stories. That is when lightness starts disappearing, giving its way to responsibilities. By then, lightness becomes unbearable, because we eventually want a person who doesn't just come and go. We want a person who stays for who we are, a person whom we wake up every morning to. When lightness gives way, it is time maturity starts budding.

What do you think,

Shae

Connecting dots

It felt right. It happened so quick that I just couldn't help but to jump right in. My heart raced and my mind numb. My gut feeling was right and expectations exceeded.

I might not have had expectations to begin with but the honesty was there. The picture clear. The sound inevitable. The smell of intensity.

Butterflies filled me as I approach that moment. Then it started to rain. It cleared my head of doubts and I let my heart roam free. Free to express, free to explore, free to feel.

Connecting the dots back, I knew I had a feeling that things are about to change. That feeling when everything is going to go right. Then it happened.

It never seemed right. But the feeling begs to differ. Getting lost meant being found. I found myself with you and it just felt.... right.

For once I'm at a lost because although I had no plans but to find myself here and now. I see that maybe fate played a quick one on me.

Remembering correctly

People,

We ought to remember as they used to be. If it wasn't love, don't remember it as love. If it wasn't mutual, remember it as being single-sided. But, too often, we remember as how we wanted them to be. We remembered it as love, but it wasn't really so. We remembered it as being two-sided, but it actually was merely one. Memories are not relived exactly as how the moments used to be, but redesigned and recreated. Why so? Most probably because it consoles our hearts- shattered, broken or however you describe yours.

Okay, so, we reinvent those moments and made it a story of our own. Now, it appears suddenly to me, what good do they do to you, if they were all fake and led you only to despair or false hopes? They weren't real, anyway. And, it wasn't breaking up that defeated us, but our own re-creations. Now, doesn't that sound a little ironic to you: I defeated myself?- sounds pretty ironic to me.

If everything we have in our minds are reinvented, but not froze as exactly as how the moments used to be, what elements and aspects were real then? Maybe when we love someone, we all live in our fantasy worlds. Maybe we took it as they love us back, because in Utopia- where we belong, everything goes the way we want them. So, did he really love you, or did you forced yourself to think that he actually loved you? It does make you feel better that during the end of a relationship you recall that he loved you. But if it were not real, it would have made me feel utterly absurd. It would be as if a puppet on a stage, playing different characters and roles only on its own. The saddest thing is that, somehow, we enjoyed our own dramas, when the spotlight falls on us.

The healing process is yet another drama. Because love is retracted or perhaps because we finally realize that love was only an impression, there is be a need or a desire or a lust to capture attention. Yet, we see that the audience is so dispersed, so it is scarcely enough. The spotlight is no longer above you, when you see that your loyal shadow no longer follows faithfully. You have to make a comeback and regain your fame.  You have to make dramas. Bigger dramas. Insert. Remake. Reproduce. Spices are added. Events exaggerated. Plots altered. But your dramas make success. Should you feel elated and consoled then? Or suddenly upon realization, you feel embarrassed and bloody idiotic?

I remembered the way I wanted it to be, but not the way it really was. I feel rather stupid. And I couldn't forget how these recreations pained me- both physically and emotionally and weighed me down. So, maybe that's why I no longer hold taunt onto them... Maybe that's why I'm starting to let it fade... I feel much lighter, as I make space for what is to come, and also as I let go of what is to leave. In that case, I only need to live passionately right at the moment, so there would be no need and no space for memories. Because, hey, how many 10 years more do we have? We wouldn't even know. So, what's the point of letting those faked memories compass and decide where to go and what to do? Brainstorm, brainstorm!

Debate if you want to,

Shae