A new world

Spearheading into a new life. There will be new things and new challenges that lie ahead. As much as I'd like to see it before it hits me its almost impossible. I could avoid a few problems but I guess I'll be as prepared as ever to take it head on.

I am a strategic player with a taste for taking chances. As much as I like to make plans I also like to jump right in and get started. Will I end up with regrets? Maybe. Will I end up hurt? Maybe. Will I possibly end up permanently damaged? Maybe. But.... What if I win? What if I could achieve what I want? What if there are no what ifs and maybes???

Well there aren't any. That is why I just do it. Whatever I gain is not a what if or maybe but it is what it is. Clear off doubts. Clear off concerns. Because I'm going to die someday and I want to die happy. Happy about that fact that I did what I wanted even if I didn't achieve what I wanted. To know I loved with all my heart and loved as best as I can. To work at my best to make things happen even if everything was up to me. I'd carry all the burdens because I know what I want and I want it. I'm a blind fool who is chasing a dream. Achieved, awesome. Failed, move on.

Being me, I am hard to read and hard to please. I have high standards and I work hard to meet them. I work around my passion and I work it well. I don't stand by and let things go its course. I must find involvement somehow. If life happens and put me at a place that challenges me I would simply give thanks and keep moving forward. That is one side of me.

Being me, I am loving and passionate. I enjoy lazy days cuddling and kissing the one I love. I make peace with the Universe and allow things to take it's course. But I want to watch as the world turns so I can make plans to flow with it. I don't complain nor do I doubt. I trust and I keep living.

Now I am at a place where I find things totally new. To have met her changed my life and she is all I want right now. It is so crazy when I see it from the eyes of my past. Because if I was to be me then I would have moved on when the word "commitment" was uttered. I had too much to do, too much to think about. In a relationship where there is extra effort involved I would say to myself "I'd rather not". I've had a bad bad experience with that. I can't make progress and my past held me back. I'd rather be alone and keep working. But in order to do that I had to shut down my heart. How? Break it la.

I had time to mend my heart and had time to rearrange my thoughts. Just like a flash of light she appeared and jump start my feelings again. I had a difficult time falling in love until I met her. That has been enough for me to believe that there is hope. But being brought into this anew I am guessing that there are plenty of adjustments I have to make to fit into the new mold.

Just now I held her hand and she started going all weird. I found it adorable the fact that she acted as such when I attempted intimacy. Although it is somewhat ambiguous, my mind wanted answers. All I can think of are the words she spoke. It made me feel happy to hear that she would be happy to be with me. That her awkwardness was because she had feelings for me. This is new to me. I have to learn to fit into this for now. Until she is ready for intimacy I will not force and advance. But I would keep trying. Maybe until she submits or says no. I duno, will work around it.

I have no doubt that I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. But as they say, it takes 2 to tango. Even if I do my best to make this relationship last it would also require her to do her part. I do not demand much or if anything at all. I just have to trust her and her heart to give. This is also new to me as I would have demanded affection and pleasure.

I make no promises and keep no promises. I just know for fact that if she loves me I will love her in return. If she decides to leave then I'll let her go. Simple.

But I trust her with all my heart. Trust that she will learn to love me passionately on her own accord. I will not ask her to change but I will state what I would like. Her deciding to change is her own will. That is what I feel is right.

This is the beginning. The beginning of the last. For the one and only.