In my head. In my heart.

I've been well known by my friends as a lady killer of sorts. I've been able so far to attract prospective lovers far and wide. But what is it that I am really seeking? Is it love? Or just mere lust? What happened to commitment? I question myself this.

In my teenage years I've seeked the answer to love. What it means to be in love. What is this commitment thing? How to build a long lasting relationship? I did this mainly because of my parents.

They went through a rocky marriage and ended up in a divorce. I grew up observing this marriage. I compared it other families. Something was wrong. I needed to know what it takes to make things right.

Through the course of my later teenage years I begin experimenting with relationships. Little by little I understood very well the workings of attraction, of the emotions, of the persons involved in a relationship. I want to thank my mother for always reminding me that if I was to love someone then love her wholeheartedly and with utmost devotion.

As I seek to understand I found myself in a relationship that seemed to be the one that I could go long term. Meaning marriage. I was convinced that I knew enough to build a relationship that would last. I desired for this relationship. Sadly it ended. It ended due to the imbalance. I was matured in thought. planning each and every step to ensure the future comforts and establish a foundation for a family I would be happy and proud of. She on the other hand seeked the same but without considering the foundation. It fell apart.

Right after the incident I became doubtful of commitment. I felt that as a young man I could please myself without having to commit. I had youth by my side. So I seeked and dated. To fill the void of which I couldn't alone. It wasn't sex nor intimacy. I didn't know until a thought crossed my mind.

I was looking for an anchor. A person who I could connect and commit to. This came as a surprise because commitment was never an attractive idea. So I became wary and only seeked for a long term relationship.

I started to think back and I found that commitment was what I've wanted along. But who? It can't just be anybody. So I set myself a very high standard.

Just recently I was fortunate enough to have met someone. Someone I felt connected to almost immediately. After spending time with her it felt right. So I decided to commit to this wonderful person. But this time, I'll commit 1st. Weird? I guess. Uncommon? Yep. Why? Because I'd rather play a game of chance at an opportunity than to let it pass me by. Will I end up hurt? Maybe. Is it worth the trouble? Definitely.

Ever since I've held this idea in my head She became significant to my heart. I don't expect a return. I just wanted to feel happy.

This notion changed my view on relationships. I became conscious of my idea of monogamy and polygamy. I found that I just wanted to be in love and committed to 1 person. I seek now to find gratification that lasts.

I fear not of the future for uncertainty is the only certainty. moving one step at a time it will slowly be revealed.



Now for something totally related. I was brought to the police station last night after purchasing soap at a 711 and witnessing a husband beat his wife. Before I could stop him he pushed her out his car and sped off. I went over to help her and she called the police. I went as witness. Made a friend and gained one heck of an experience.

So sad to see relationships ending like this.