Ready.... Steady.... Kiss

There are many things I wished to do but didn't do it. Some things I put off for awhile. Some things I act to achieve immediately. Tonight I've played my hand and things... Sweet.

Butterflies. Little bubbles of excited anxiety and bundle of nerves. I had her in my arms and I knew at that moment I had to kiss her...

Shy and somewhat timid. Hidden inside an explosion of passion. Little by little, efforts would have seem to have been in vain until there was a sign that says go. So I waited as I advance for the green light which would have paved the way for that kiss.

I took a chance at a place for the 3rd time. It did not result in my favor. Then we had conversations. Songs were sang. In the trails of a friend aiming to fright. Finale unfolds in a lot by the park. Moving slowly with every conversation, touch and pecks. Until it finally hit the clear.

At that moment, the right note was played. The sign was shown. I acted instantly after building up towards it. Sweetness.... Silence.... Then sounds of savor. Beautiful

Fun fact: The sense of smell is very important in contributing to the well being of future generations.

Poetic polar

The expression of literary art 

As rough as a trees brown bark 

As fine as teeth on skins of shark 

As ominous as the space thats dark 

A word, a meaning, an expression 

Poetic polar in which direction 

Commanding releasing comprehension 

Loosing time space in measures of fraction 

A glass of shiraz wine in Bordeaux 

A taste of the sea at Hokkaido 

A pint of lager beer in Berlin

A feeling of comfort in Kuching 

Sweet moments we have we converse 

Playing a sweet tune in the universe 

Crossed lines of our high and low 

Here we spin again, cosmogyro 

You and I 

Pluviophile

In the rain 

All the while 

Observe the world 

in other words 

with nouns and verbs 

letters absurd 

Ring the bell 

time will tell 

of our tale 

succeed or fail 

Grab that ale 

Together we sail 

Leaving a trail 

Like pirates we hail 

Will not stale 

Hungry as hell 

Hard as nails 

seeking the Grail 

That shines light pale 

Measured not in scales 

The imposed fell 

In living cell 

Longer I string 

The more I think 

Let me sing 

This poetic thing  

I love you

3 words I'll repeat for you

3 days at KL I fell for you

3 days in Kuching that I've spent with you

21 Finally I've met you

7 times I'll now say to you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

I'll run out into crowd

I'll shout your name out loud

I will say again and again I love you

I will not deny that this is true

Again and again I'll repeat for you

My Sapphire. My Goddess clad in blue

I will gladly announce my affection towards you

Again and again I'll say...

I love you

A new world

Spearheading into a new life. There will be new things and new challenges that lie ahead. As much as I'd like to see it before it hits me its almost impossible. I could avoid a few problems but I guess I'll be as prepared as ever to take it head on.

I am a strategic player with a taste for taking chances. As much as I like to make plans I also like to jump right in and get started. Will I end up with regrets? Maybe. Will I end up hurt? Maybe. Will I possibly end up permanently damaged? Maybe. But.... What if I win? What if I could achieve what I want? What if there are no what ifs and maybes???

Well there aren't any. That is why I just do it. Whatever I gain is not a what if or maybe but it is what it is. Clear off doubts. Clear off concerns. Because I'm going to die someday and I want to die happy. Happy about that fact that I did what I wanted even if I didn't achieve what I wanted. To know I loved with all my heart and loved as best as I can. To work at my best to make things happen even if everything was up to me. I'd carry all the burdens because I know what I want and I want it. I'm a blind fool who is chasing a dream. Achieved, awesome. Failed, move on.

Being me, I am hard to read and hard to please. I have high standards and I work hard to meet them. I work around my passion and I work it well. I don't stand by and let things go its course. I must find involvement somehow. If life happens and put me at a place that challenges me I would simply give thanks and keep moving forward. That is one side of me.

Being me, I am loving and passionate. I enjoy lazy days cuddling and kissing the one I love. I make peace with the Universe and allow things to take it's course. But I want to watch as the world turns so I can make plans to flow with it. I don't complain nor do I doubt. I trust and I keep living.

Now I am at a place where I find things totally new. To have met her changed my life and she is all I want right now. It is so crazy when I see it from the eyes of my past. Because if I was to be me then I would have moved on when the word "commitment" was uttered. I had too much to do, too much to think about. In a relationship where there is extra effort involved I would say to myself "I'd rather not". I've had a bad bad experience with that. I can't make progress and my past held me back. I'd rather be alone and keep working. But in order to do that I had to shut down my heart. How? Break it la.

I had time to mend my heart and had time to rearrange my thoughts. Just like a flash of light she appeared and jump start my feelings again. I had a difficult time falling in love until I met her. That has been enough for me to believe that there is hope. But being brought into this anew I am guessing that there are plenty of adjustments I have to make to fit into the new mold.

Just now I held her hand and she started going all weird. I found it adorable the fact that she acted as such when I attempted intimacy. Although it is somewhat ambiguous, my mind wanted answers. All I can think of are the words she spoke. It made me feel happy to hear that she would be happy to be with me. That her awkwardness was because she had feelings for me. This is new to me. I have to learn to fit into this for now. Until she is ready for intimacy I will not force and advance. But I would keep trying. Maybe until she submits or says no. I duno, will work around it.

I have no doubt that I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. But as they say, it takes 2 to tango. Even if I do my best to make this relationship last it would also require her to do her part. I do not demand much or if anything at all. I just have to trust her and her heart to give. This is also new to me as I would have demanded affection and pleasure.

I make no promises and keep no promises. I just know for fact that if she loves me I will love her in return. If she decides to leave then I'll let her go. Simple.

But I trust her with all my heart. Trust that she will learn to love me passionately on her own accord. I will not ask her to change but I will state what I would like. Her deciding to change is her own will. That is what I feel is right.

This is the beginning. The beginning of the last. For the one and only.

Leong Shay Mei

Lovely you are 

Exquisite like a star 

Overwhelming my mind 

Nestled in my heart 

Gracious from the start 

Sweet is your name 

Heavens spoke the same 

Awesome in every way 

You are every single day 

Magnificent beauty 

Eccentricly lovely 

Innocently sexy 

Commitment. An act of selfishness

What are commitments? A binding contract? A leash on free will? What do you think?

I've always saw commitment as an important but incomplete concept to most. The way that people think, feel and carry commitment has got me confused. So I look into it and this is what I've found.

Duty, responsibility, commitment. Is made by choice. So it's origin is from oneself and own's will. That means we are free to choose the level of commitment. Usually that is not what people see. People feel as if they have No choice but to accept what is given. When chance hits them they do not know how to act. So they give in thinking that they have submitted to life. But I don't see it that way.

I see a duty, responsibility, commitment as an opportunity to act. To make a choice to pursue what I want. I have my free will. That's how I see it.

I make commitments for myself. I want to act on my behalf. Because it is my desire. I don't make commitments because people ask me to. I do it because I want to. I'm a gentleman badass. An honest thief. A settled nomad. A brilliant fool. An idiot genius. Cuz I is aweshum

Squishy hands

Beautiful, adorable, loveable, love

Remember that night with the stars above?

Remember how to moon graced us late

A moment we did not expect to wait

Feeling the sand beneath our feet
To the ocean our feets greet
Feeling the warmth of your hand
I feel for a moment a complete man
Although we know life will pass with moments
And the past moments have been lonesome
Until now that I've met you my dear
I want to hold your hand through all my years
In time we will see as life reveals
The beauty of love in the way we feel
In your eyes my mind stands still
In your presence my heart is thrilled
Words are not enough to express
These feelings for you that never rest
These thoughts of you at it's best
This love for you that will not less
As I string these words
With nouns and verbs
Little by little in bursts
My mind, my heart stirs

I've been conscious and unconscious
And I've been through stages
Writing all these pages
That will last the ages

I love you my muse
Your little things, I am amused
With my mind and heart fused
I write in blacks, whites, greys and blues

All the moments that we've had
Thinking back makes me glad
Remember that night on the sands
For the 1st time I held your squishy hand 

Letter to my love.

Dear love.

I have words that exist now and not any other time in existence. I have neglected my consciousness through numbing and removed my glasses to write to you in as pure as the essence it derives. Whatever word I pour out is what it is and I filter no mistake except of those that misspell. The correction would not allow me to further my writing with red squiggly lines. So here I am. Writing for you. With words true.

It has been a short while since we've met. I can say that it has been phenomenal. Natural. Beautiful. You have been a blessing. A miracle. The magnificence that would be remembered through out a lifetime or 2. I have been fortunate enough to have met you. But as all things in life, we are now only a recorded memory. Something that will pass and surely be passed. But with you I have memories that I hold dear and I will continue to embrace until my body atrophies. The essence of time is of now. The significance of it all relies on the meaning. The meaning is up to us to decide. For me, it is in pure essence timeless, elegant beauty. Your delicate soft tones and your shades. Your sudden burst of comical and your everlasting insane. Runs down my core and into my soul I feel that you are the one I want to be without. You are the one who has set my heart aflame and my soul in deep waters. I love you for that.

You are soon to leave and a distance would be created. I hope nothing but the best for you and your life. Your dreams and your aspirations compare nothing to my desires. For you are my goddess and I will see to it that your heart is pleased. I will do as my heart wills and my heart wills for you. Although you might be far but to me we will not be apart. You are young, full of potential. Gifted with beauty and intellect. Gifted with talent and meaning. I am but just a man who have been graced with the presence of you. That is how I feel. So I thank you.

As I write this letter I pour out what is on my mind at this moment. You asked if I would have changed in 5 years time and I will say yes. After thoughts, I would change in various ways. But my devotion to you will not waver. For my heart has set its will to love you as best as I can.

I demand nothing but your happiness in return for my efforts. My love for you is not with conditions nor labels. I am as I am. You are as you will. We are as love is present. In your search for what love means to you, I hope that you find happiness that you deserve. From me or from what your heart desires.

I wish to carve this letter in stone so that time will not erase it quickly. To embody the will of my heart in the form of words. I thank you sweet goddess. I love you. Good night doll. This I wish to say to you.

Love, Jason.

Stars shine as the moon peaks

It has been extraordinary. Surreal even. Will I wake up tomorrow and only recall it as a dream? Memories fade in and out of our lives. Those that pass us by and those that are etched into our souls. Meeting tonight, this morning with my goddess is one of those I'd want to carve in stone. So I'll just write the chronicles in memory of the events past.

It was a Saturday. 12 October to be exact. I felt butterflies. Butterflies formed from a feeling the night before. The 1st encounter struck me. the little conversation with a soft voice. The pan noodles at kelana, the ikea meatballs, the bierhaus, the taco. the books. The music boxes. the gundam fair. The missed shuttle. The taxi. The train. the moments. I swore I could hear music in the background as it all happened.

Sunday. 13 October. Met at central. got to atm. Scammed for 70rm. Looked for banana fritters. End up with tosei. snapped a picture. Left the shits. went back to central. had chatime, met with friend, sent off at late.

Monday. 14 October. baggage ran away with accommodation. Flight time mistaken. Met at pods. Blue shoe tool at platform 23/4. A styrofoam map with pins. 4am I awoke, sapphire I wrote. morning call at 7am. Groggy breakfast pbnj. to the bus, to the lcct and back.

Saturday. 26 October. misdirection but made it. bratak mayau, swak crocs vs pahang gajah. Winner goes to finals. 2 wbeer and 2 on the go. by the beach, feel the sand and shore. Failed a magic trick. 1am lights out, stars shine. Miraculous weather. Moon peaks from the mountain behind the clouds. had a plan, no plan. unexpected. Anxious. realized. Happy.

Crazed mind recollection of memories. painted in faint detail. Attached with sweet memory and given meaning.

Though young, this love, I will not wait for it to mature. I will see it through little at a time. Guiding, devoting, paving.

I'll anticipate as it unfolds like the beauty of starry skies in darkened times and the moon that peaked out from behind in time.

Thoughts about life.

Life is like this thing. You're never too sure but at the same time pretty sure about what's gonna happen. A glass of water on the table. Take it, drink it. Leave it, evaporates. It's somewhat expected no? But what if a bird flies down and snatches it? Or an angry ogre with a mid life crisis crushes it with it's mace of malice? You'll never hear the end of it and probably thinking that it's not ever gonna happen. But what if it does?

Life is full of what ifs and maybes. Full of the uncertain, unknown and ignored. Left in the blue by most that fear to lose in order to gain. Yes. Life itself is a paradox. a catch 22. A contradiction. Expect the unexpected. How day hell are you gonna expect something that is not going to be expected?

So I submit to life but at the same time rule over it. You can say life made me it's bitch and imma make it my bitch. Not making sense??  Moving on then.

So far we have been given the idea that we are free to make our choices. Yet when you look at it, we are still governed by our paradigm and the laws of physics. Even the wish of flight is a good example of our limitations to our so called freedom. But as human beings we are stubborn, rebellious and kinda smart. So we fight physics with physics + innovation. Little of those can appreciate being in a chair, thousands of meters off the ground breaking the sound barrier to get from point A to B in mere hours. The pleasures now compared to back then requires at least months or even years to reach.

As evolved as we are technologically, we have not grown much spiritually. I know what's on your mind. This whole spiritual thing is bullshit. But just give me a moment to explain. We as human beings have humanity. Something interesting. Something we can use to relate to other humans. But we seem to have left it stagnant. We communicate alot yes. But we rarely connect. Example. Have you been to a party with lots of people and felt completely alone? Yes? It is because we might share an interaction or conversation but we did not share our humanity. We shared information like our digital gadgets. So spirituality in this sense is being more human and less robot.

So I've said enough for today. These are my thoughts on life for now. Enjoy life, seek happiness, be serious and be not so serious. Because I'm a pirate and I'm notorious for stealing people's hearts with custard bombs. They call me Joofus

Frozen to liquid.

There is a reason I don't give into hope. Where fate is just an expression for what I believe is leading to false hope. False hope, false expectations and false everything. I see it as just this fleeting tho comforting notion to raise ones feeling of security and joy for that moment. For what? What good can you do with a false sense of security? You're gonna end up 6 feet under one day so why the worry?

That was what I thought. When I was this fast paced, cold hearted, straight forward thinker. I felt that hope and fate were the dumbest of ideas. Only to keep your mind off the subject of pain and focus from the problems. My ritual when I felt pain then was to embrace it completely by numbing it with more pain. Self destructive I was. The reason mainly because I had only one reason to live for and that is myself. But now that has changed.

In the past 30 days I lost most my belongings, faced turbulence in my business and met with hardship. In a swift moment life slapped me in the face with all these troubles. I felt disturbed, annoyed, frustrated by the fact that I've worked so hard to gain what I've desired and required just to see it wash away. The realist in me looked at it as a loss. The optimist on the other hand saw beauty. I began to open up after a day or two. Looking forward to what was coming next. Like newborn, the world seemed more bigger and stranger. I am close to nothing at this point. Starting fresh.

Fortunately. By the strange alignment of the stars or some celestial arrangement I met someone. Someone who surprisingly inspired me with ideas. The idea of hope, fate, action, consequence. I've always been the cause and effect type of guy. If I act I get consequences. She somehow was able to inspire me with the idea that hope and fate can be inserted into the equation. I had some trouble accepting that idea but when I look back and join the dots. Yea... Fate can happen. And she became this beacon of hope. Lovely

So I looked into myself and reevaluating my ideals. I re-calibrated myself into the situation. I started to see greater things. I wanted change.

I've been having this desire to change but something held me back. Memories and stagnant thoughts kept me at bay from reaching out for more. I had to take a punch in the face from life to show me that it is finally time to let go. So I did. Just to find someone that would be whom I will now refer to as my Goddess.

I'm now much more free. I'm letting go. To be received by the future. The uncertainty feels good. I will seek to know whats ahead.

Intoxicated words.

Sweetheart. I love you. Words flowing out of me like water through a stream. Free and untamed. pure and infiltrated.

Whatever I know might be a delusion but I'm happy to know that I have you.

As simple as words said it requires the feelings involved in the heart.

My goddess so lovely and true
Happy I am to have met you
In your many shades of blue
Lost in love I am. in love with you.

Initiative

Taking the 1St step. Into uncertainty. Scary no? Why is it so? There is opportunity out there and life is short. Is that not enough reason to take that chance and see where it goes?

Honestly, I too have feared taking initiatives. Because I like to know that I'll be safe. To know that harm won't get to me. To feel that nothing can take away from me what I have now. I was living a lie.

Water that does not move will become stale. Stale water is toxic. If we stayed at a place without moving it will be against nature. For nature has set us all to grow and move forward. To evolve and to generate. Even if you do nothing your body will continue to regenerate and then degenerate. Then you die. Left without notice and brought along a bag of nothing but regrets.

I've been given many opportunities because I seeked for them. Once I've met them and attained them I cherish them. Because hard enough we seek nutrients we shouldn't waste them. I'm speaking from the perspective of nature. Sadly society and civilization have created too much excess that have spoiled our minds. Losing precious values and cultivating new ones to consume the access.

Take initiative, strive, attain, cherish

Sparks

Something intuitive yet scientific. It is felt and somewhat measured. But truth be told, it holds it own special place to human kind.

The spark phenomenon is the beginning of a relationship. It's the foundation of a bridge between 2 individuals. Label it as you wish but it revolves around a similar pattern.

In that moment of time, a simple smile and conversation will leave you with questions rather than answers. The questions depending on it's depth will drive you towards seeking the answers. The answers will reveal themselves through time.

A spark is formed when we meet. Through our feelings and experiences we determine what form of relationship we want to build. It is only a question of levels and degrees.

My experiences has led me to determine quickly and accurately what relationship I want to build. In order to achieve my desired outcomes I seek to act in haste. So I commit beforehand and build from there. Usually this will not be the choice for most. They take their time calculating risks and returns. Ultimately leading to a point where they feel insecure and let go. I take into consideration all aspects and take them by the helm. Because I know the search for answers is not an easy one.

Nobody said it was easy. Nobody said it will be this hard.

Blaming it on Love and Relationships

Lighting you up,

As a girl, dramas and films (Taiwanese, Japanese, Korean, American, British...) made me fantasize about love and relationships. Have you ever watched the movie 'Serendipity'? Exactly, that was my love fantasy. My innocence could appear laughable but it is now to me, respectable. I respect the childish innocence that was once living in me because it had no fears of what was to come, also because it always perceived the world beautifully.

I believe we all know by now the plots they use in love entertainments: The couples were good, had an argument or a misunderstanding, they grew cold, misunderstandings solved, ending (happy or sad or dead). There is one thing though, that I still search while watching those entertainments nowadays (a lot lesser now)- the moment when they fight for each other to keep it going. It wrenches my heart. It satisfies my emptiness but always, later on, leaves me feeling worse and more emotionally wrecked. Films and dramas are a success because people seek comfort in what they cannot have.

Because of those love entertainments, I came to believe that anyone who claims to love you will stand tall and stand strong for you. But the harsh reality pulled me down. They claimed that it was love, but they didn't binge a little when you were down with emotional difficulties. Why? Because these problems are hard to solve, and that would mean the effort requires time. Time would be an investment. The person who claimed to love just happened to don't think that it was a wise investment to solve your problems. So they left. And that's how we came to a conclusion that love and relationships are so fragile. Is that so?

Relationships are not fragile. Nor is love. They are perceived as so because the intentions and desires to keep them strong were never there at the first place. Or they were there initially, but they were later withdrawn. The mind is the controller, and the body is the toy. Humans are fragile. Because a toy wears out, and a controller breaks down. But we never want to admit our fragility because we are the dominants in a food chain and because we are afraid of seeing the flaws under the light. So we blame it on love and relationships.

Shae

To love

Recently I've been inspired to think and review on my perception towards love and relationship. This inspiration came from me falling in love. It has propelled me to look into myself and others for answers. Answers to questions I've previously answered before. Although it has only been a year since my last failed attempt in a relationship, I have seen changes within my ideals towards love and relationship. It's time to recalibrate.

Here I will write what I've learned to understand about love and relationship. It's going to be a long one. Although not complete, it serves as a foundation. So let's begin.

I always seek answers scientifically, spiritually and emotionally. Spiritually meaning metaphysically. Emotionally meaning my instincts and intuition. Scientifically meaning from the origin.

Love, so far as I've learned, is abstract. To each person love is unique. The way they interpret, express and perceive are based on their unique experiences and reference. It's a feeling, it's a thought, it's an action. Love is build around a desire. A desire to grow. To expand. To create.

Relationships are build through connection. Through humanity. Love is the energy. The more you love yourself, the better you are at understanding yourself and others. Love is universal and personal.

The relationship between a man and a woman is based on the instinctive drive to populate and educate. Monogamy is the norm. It is a social standard. But most importantly it's also a personal choice. One can also choose polygamy. The interesting thing is that if one is self seeking then one will practice monogamy For polygamy, the opposite is true. Marriage is not what binds relationship together, it's the parties involved and their choice that determines the result.

Love, romance, sex. 3 key elements that is required to form a beautiful relationship. The romance will enrich the relationship of love and sex will bind it all together. I personally believe that an equal balance is preferred but nothing is perfect. Although perfection cannot be achieved but it can be pursued. That usually ends up with the best result.

Self. The main reason why most people fail in love is because they themselves do not understand or work towards understanding what it is and what it means to them. How can one share a glass of water if the glass is empty?

Lover. Is not you. You can influence them but you can't control them. You may be a part of them but never completely them. You might share the same feeling but in separate different ways. Never depend on them for love but always love as best as you can.

My opinion on what a beautiful relationship should look like. Let me paint you a picture. 2 individuals, commits to themselves and each other. To grow, to learn, to love. Free from conditions. Each individual decides their own actions. Given the freedom to act upon and trusted that their actions will result in a happy and desirable result. This is not for those who are insecure. This is only for the little few who are sure they will love and be loved.

Sadly, it is all to common to see love wasted, denied and abused. The reason is because little have learned to appreciate. Appreciating self and lover. Appreciation is the key to a successful, long term, happy relationship. It Works hand in hand with devotion, faith and loyalty.

I personally practice monogamy or should I say, aiming for it. I want to fill my relationship with love, sex and romance. I want to shower my lover with loving gestures that pleasures her senses. I will give all that I can and all that I am because love is worth it. To love is to be love.

Siding Where

Has it ever crossed your mind,

When I fell head over toes with someone, there is a bigger possibility that someone is already ahead of you. Putting it in a more obscene way, you're just having someone's leftover. But no, that is too unpleasant to those delicate human ears and those whose egos are high above the clouds. (Don't go raging yet, I promise the good ones are still behind.) Still, we can't deny the harsh truth, right? If you agree, then, welcome to the reality- where not even love is a fantasy.

It's true and I have some points there, but wait. Let's take a look from the brighter side. When I swept someone off my feet, I have stolen someone's heart from somebody else. That is a great change, isn't it? Well, it must have happened for a reason. The very reason that I have attractions good enough to make that change. Now, that's a glorious thing, right? You made it happened for yourself!

Humans naturally contradict themselves. That's all I have to say.

Pick your side,

Shae

Heart broken

Draw upon your smile sweetheart

As if our love has never part

I draw your expression on canvas of art

With a knife I cut to leave a mark

Maybe I'm just a little stuck

Maybe I'm just a little out of luck

Maybe I'm just staring at the clock

Thinking about the time that we fought

I'm sorry my love for my broken heart

I know that we both have been scarred

I open our book again to write one last part

I'm going to let you go now. My final card

I make no sense and that is true
I leave my last words even if it is cruel
For so long I have been a fool
So so long now and goodbye I bid to you

A Sight. A Sound. A Statement.

Everyday we are bombarded by stimuli coming from every direction. All your senses that are now so used to all this seemed to have shut down to most of it. When was the last time when you looked at your keyboard and thought "wow". You'd pretty much have missed out on something truly awesome because what you don't realize makes you ignorant. Look at your keyboard. Go ahead. Now think. Where da hell and how da hell did this thing come about? The moment you press a key and an alphabet or number appears on your screen. Every single press sends electric signals informing your computer to respond. Commanding data right at your finger tips. But no one really looks into it nowadays huh?

You see but you don't perceive. That is a more simpler way to put it. You don't really give the attentiona and focus of thought into it. You are not to be blamed though. Our capacity of mind only allows us to have minimal attention to the most important things at the moment. Unless you are savant which you would have to trade your normal person skills for an autistic genius if you are so inclined. Non the less, we are still capable of doing great things if procided we give it our attention.

Today I have gained new experiences and I'm glad to say I have forgotten most of it. Yep, I'll never remember where I've landed my feet and how many steps I've taken. Why? Normal kan? You must be thinking I'd be crazy if I could remember it all and you'd be right. Unless I've the intention of counting the steps I might be able to do so. But then I would have missed out on the sights and sounds.

So I've spent my day with a Singaporean Trainer who trains hotel staff on the topic of Better Customer Service. We shared many interesting pieces of information and made plans. Millionaires in 2 years. Yes kinda ambitious but it's one of those feelings things. I've just met him and there we go conversing for hours on end about our common interests. Then I met an Italian girl born and raised in France. Got the pleasure of learning about her travels and home at Bordeaux. Then near the pods backpackers I was treated to shots of hot water, soda, whiskey mix. conversed with the mamak stall owners and also taxi drivers and also a sabahan social works employee.

Those little details in conversation I can recall due to the focus I've given it. I receive and I analyse my experiences. I then carve then in stone through writing. I write from a sight. a sound. and a statement.

Lover's Play

Guten Abend,

I was sitting right in the middle of the back passenger's seat like I usually do when there was only 3 travelling in the car. The other 2 were my parents, my lovely parents. At one moment I kept quiet, clearing my head, just mesmerizing the views, while listening to their conversations. I chuckled softly and smiled contentedly to myself, while they were arguing like children over my mother's little habits.

'Why do you keep hitting your hand with your knuckles?'

'My hand feels sore mah! Do you think I want to hit it?'

She is a restless woman, while my father a more composed man. Another funny thing that I noticed is when my mother kept turning the car wipers on and off when she wasn't actually even driving. She was sitting at the front passenger's seat and just happened to have had a pair of restless hands. (I don't even know how my father could just calmly drive and let her restlessness took over, because I just can't.)

They have been happily married for 33 years. I could have never been happier if it wasn't for my parents' love and affection. I was once asked, 'How do you think you parents manage their marriage?' I answered, 'Because my father loves to tease my mother a lot.' I am not sure if my answer was taken seriously back then, but I could never answer it differently. Ask me again, I would still say the same. My father does tease my mother a lot, and this is how he portrays and conveys his love and affection.

I have once been in a relationship with a very serious man. I looked up very much to him, and I still do. I admire the aura of seriousness that he gives out and I came to respect him a lot. That was which gave way to my deep affection. But it was tough to survive in such circumstances. I couldn't be described as 'fragile'. But with him, I was nothing, merely a thin piece of glass. It weighed me down and it was very hard to keep up with. After all, I'm not born with a clown's qualities and I had to be a clown in that relationship. Teases were almost impossible, because he took everything so seriously that I wouldn't even dare make a spontaneous silly joke. Every steps and every words needed deep and thorough considerations.

That was pretty much when I started to think that a lover's play is an essential quality in holding up a relationship. A friendly tease portrays how we are comfortable with each other. A gentle pat on the head is a sign of affection and protection, while letting the lady feel safer and a little smaller in the hands of the man. (I'm pretty sure every girls have the thought of just wanting to feel little once in a while.) A pinch in the cheek, a funnily cute bro-fist, 'Go die' that doesn't literally means asking him or her to die...

I guess lovers just need a little fun, because that's what it is meant for right? If you can love happily, what else is more important than just living in the fun? 

Poke poke,

Shae

Whats on my mind.

After gaining more access to blog again I found release. The thoughts that lingered in my mind cried to be expressed. It was a craving of the mind, of the heart. My medium of creative expressions are my words. Once given the opportunity, I'll write to my heart's content. Now I wish to write out what the thoughts I've carried with me for the past few days and now.

For the past months I have nothing but me on my mind. My career, my finance, my happiness, my plans, my pleasures and my pains. Other than working towards my career goals I have nothing else to look forward to. I'm emphasizing on this because I met a person that would have messed me up so good that changed that.

But before I go into details about this person I would like to say thanks to misfortune. By having my laptop, hard drive and basically everything that contained most of my digital possessions have been stolen from me. Stolen by a burglar in a break in. Just on my 2nd night stay at a place far from home. So life is a bitch but I love it. It helped me let go and realize many things that I can actually live without. Memories sweet and memories bitter. Paved a new way for new opportunities. And that where she came into the picture.

So what was going on in my mind? Well, I was pretty spontaneous when it all happened. She just happened to be an old school mate of mine which I've paid little to no attention to. She just seemed pretty cute. That was my impression of her. Then I have no idea how it came by but we started writing with each other and I thought it would be great if I could meet her to know her better. So we did meet up. Something weird did happen tho the night before the day. I actually had a feeling. A feeling so right. That tomorrow is going to be so damn right. That feeling of surety and confidence as if you've already won and you're about to grab hold of that prize. Then the next day I head out to meet her. As I call to speak to her for the 1st time I have no idea what to expect. But I had one thing, I had butterflies. Damn fucking weird. I've not had butterflies for so long and when it happened I just stop, dropped and rolled. I was actually starting to feel anxious meeting this person. What the hell? Weird. Ok. So I met her. The moment I met up with her I lost it. All butterflies and anxiety became dust. It felt natural. In a better word, phenomenal.

After that day, I was fine. Or that's what I thought. So I went about my things as I would. But then in a turn of events I've lost a place to stay and my luggage was on its way to a place far far away til the morning. So I needed a place to stay. Fortunately for me but maybe not so fortunate for her, she mistaken her flight schedule a day early. So I had the chance to spend some time with her. Then and there at the 2 3/4 platform I went stupid. Was is fatigue? Did I lack sleep? Was I lacking in nutrition? Have I lost my mind? Turns out, I did.

This change brought about a change on my perspective about love and relationship. So I was asked, "what kind of relationship is good to you?. So I thought about it. I couldn't give her a complete answer as I was reconstructing my views. I needed a reference. After hanging out with 2 friends of mine who are dating and another 2 who are married, I get to observe their relationship. I used these references to think back onw hat I thought was a relationship I desired and narrowed down to what I want. At the moment, here is what I see.

I would love to have a relationship with a person who compliments me. Who can share and support each others strengths and weaknesses. Different in terms of preference but similar in values. To love and to be free. I do not want to be tied down nor to tie my other half down. I embrace freedom. Freedom of ones own will. I want to be trusted by my love to be devoted and loyal the same way I'd trust her. I want passion, fiery love, adventure, happiness.

Maybe I saw that in her. Maybe my instincts are trying to tell me something. Maybe there are so many maybes. But for now. maybe. I'll continue later.

I love not to be loved.

Call me stupid. 

Call me a fool. 

But I love you. 

I love you because I do. 

You don't have to love me tho 

There is nothing you owe 

Just smile love and I'll know 

More in love I'll fall 

Now I'm lost 

At a lost 

Lost of words 

To be continued 

From A to B

I am an entrepreneur. I move from strength to strength creating a life fulfilling. Today I want to write about the logistics of my adventure as a busy dude.

I am now currently embarking on yet another 3 hour journey in a metal box on wheels from Ipoh, Perak to Kl. With nothing much to do I mostly think. I think as my mind desires. Usually my thoughts would consist of new ideas of products or services, new marketing ideas, best sales pitch, presentations, prospects, clients. I enjoy these thoughts and they aid me as a simulation to the actual events. But today I have another thought in mind.

I've travelled by land, air, sea to get to places where opportunity lie. I meet people from far and wide, learning and relating to their experiences. I am rarely at home at home. I seek to be out and about. But sometimes it can be rather tiring.

Many hotel rooms, motel rooms with their single serving shampoos make me feel rather lonesome. But no matter where I am I have friends at arm's reach. The only fear I have honestly is to lose an opportunity. An opportunity comes only but once.

Getting from A to B is part of life. We all move forward. Alone mostly. But when there is a companion then things become interesting. The world now is my home. Where I go I bring my heart. Where I am now, that's where my heart is.

Lovely

Lovely 

You love so beautifully 

Elegance 

Your nature of brilliance 

Sexy 

Oh so sweet and tender 

Quirky 

Your words I'll remember 

Awakened by the morning 

Feeling the chill of the cold

As I observe the sun dawning 

I felt warm from your hands I hold 

In my mind, we will stay here always 

In love 

In my heart, I will love you always 

My love 

How I long for the touch of your hand 

To hold on to, to kiss, just because I can 

I'm most fortunate, most proud to be your man. 

The rest of my life with you I want to spend. 

Goddess with your eyes so lovely 

Your love heavenly 

Your voice speaks tenderly 

I surrender to love willingly 

In my head. In my heart.

I've been well known by my friends as a lady killer of sorts. I've been able so far to attract prospective lovers far and wide. But what is it that I am really seeking? Is it love? Or just mere lust? What happened to commitment? I question myself this.

In my teenage years I've seeked the answer to love. What it means to be in love. What is this commitment thing? How to build a long lasting relationship? I did this mainly because of my parents.

They went through a rocky marriage and ended up in a divorce. I grew up observing this marriage. I compared it other families. Something was wrong. I needed to know what it takes to make things right.

Through the course of my later teenage years I begin experimenting with relationships. Little by little I understood very well the workings of attraction, of the emotions, of the persons involved in a relationship. I want to thank my mother for always reminding me that if I was to love someone then love her wholeheartedly and with utmost devotion.

As I seek to understand I found myself in a relationship that seemed to be the one that I could go long term. Meaning marriage. I was convinced that I knew enough to build a relationship that would last. I desired for this relationship. Sadly it ended. It ended due to the imbalance. I was matured in thought. planning each and every step to ensure the future comforts and establish a foundation for a family I would be happy and proud of. She on the other hand seeked the same but without considering the foundation. It fell apart.

Right after the incident I became doubtful of commitment. I felt that as a young man I could please myself without having to commit. I had youth by my side. So I seeked and dated. To fill the void of which I couldn't alone. It wasn't sex nor intimacy. I didn't know until a thought crossed my mind.

I was looking for an anchor. A person who I could connect and commit to. This came as a surprise because commitment was never an attractive idea. So I became wary and only seeked for a long term relationship.

I started to think back and I found that commitment was what I've wanted along. But who? It can't just be anybody. So I set myself a very high standard.

Just recently I was fortunate enough to have met someone. Someone I felt connected to almost immediately. After spending time with her it felt right. So I decided to commit to this wonderful person. But this time, I'll commit 1st. Weird? I guess. Uncommon? Yep. Why? Because I'd rather play a game of chance at an opportunity than to let it pass me by. Will I end up hurt? Maybe. Is it worth the trouble? Definitely.

Ever since I've held this idea in my head She became significant to my heart. I don't expect a return. I just wanted to feel happy.

This notion changed my view on relationships. I became conscious of my idea of monogamy and polygamy. I found that I just wanted to be in love and committed to 1 person. I seek now to find gratification that lasts.

I fear not of the future for uncertainty is the only certainty. moving one step at a time it will slowly be revealed.



Now for something totally related. I was brought to the police station last night after purchasing soap at a 711 and witnessing a husband beat his wife. Before I could stop him he pushed her out his car and sped off. I went over to help her and she called the police. I went as witness. Made a friend and gained one heck of an experience.

So sad to see relationships ending like this.

Lightness

I've read a book,

The summary of the story: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096332/plotsummary

Also, it is available in movie, and of course, free e-books.

Lightness, in terms of a relationship, is a state of zero commitment, no burdens and not tied down by the other. It usually comes in forms of seeking pleasure rather than staying for a person. That says, one night stand, friends with benefits, etc. All in all, meaning sexually active but unattached. 

Lightness: good or bad? 

Youth, it stirs me to explore and to experiment. They naturally don't usually come hand in hand with commitment. Curiosity drives us everywhere, and the forward velocity itself is rather unstoppable. It is like given a hard push on the back from the edge, and we fall with the gravity's acceleration, an acceleration not ours to take charge of. Thus we let it overrides our bodies as we go along and fit in with its momentum. We fall fast, but at the same time, we fall hard. Let's do the maths here, shall we? No, I kid you. But it's countable. And you can see that a well-controlled momentum definitely exerts less force (impulsive force as we crash) if compared to momentum led by the gravitational force. So, is it good or bad, in terms of experimenting with falling?

I have been asking people around lately, 'Are you committed to your current relationship?' Let me explain. Committed here I would mean, ready for a long run relationship. Do I sound evil now? I do feel a little evil. I get a lot of yes. Probably the only no comes from me. Honestly, that actually hits me hard, on my head. The society sees being committed as morally good, and uncommitted the otherwise. I am a bad person, morally, and in the eyes of the society. Only because majority take being committed as good, why does the minority suffer the being labelled as 'wrong'? Let me take you back to our moral lessons. I remember we had all the true and false Q&A. A child who plays truant is taken as a rebellious kid. That is because majority of the adults and the society take playing truant a bad behavior. But, Einstein played truant all the time too. Why did the society overlook his past childhood, but only glorify what he had given to us until today? A person is a whole, shouldn't we all learn to accept one wholly, instead of just partially? In that case, was Einstein at fault for skipping schools and lessons because he was an unbelievable smart ass and all the subjects in school were just a waste of time? Why is committed right, but not being committed wrong? A commitment should not be forced. It should be a choice. A choice where both being committed and not committed are taken just as equally as one another. In this case, I figure, the society still doesn't approve of lightness. So, is it good or bad?

Yesterday, a friend looked at me with cautious eyes and questioned me, 'So you never thought of settling down?' My answer was a contradiction, to my surprise. Here, I blabber about not wanting to be committed, but I know somehow, everyone wants a stable relationship at the end of their stories. That is when lightness starts disappearing, giving its way to responsibilities. By then, lightness becomes unbearable, because we eventually want a person who doesn't just come and go. We want a person who stays for who we are, a person whom we wake up every morning to. When lightness gives way, it is time maturity starts budding.

What do you think,

Shae

Connecting dots

It felt right. It happened so quick that I just couldn't help but to jump right in. My heart raced and my mind numb. My gut feeling was right and expectations exceeded.

I might not have had expectations to begin with but the honesty was there. The picture clear. The sound inevitable. The smell of intensity.

Butterflies filled me as I approach that moment. Then it started to rain. It cleared my head of doubts and I let my heart roam free. Free to express, free to explore, free to feel.

Connecting the dots back, I knew I had a feeling that things are about to change. That feeling when everything is going to go right. Then it happened.

It never seemed right. But the feeling begs to differ. Getting lost meant being found. I found myself with you and it just felt.... right.

For once I'm at a lost because although I had no plans but to find myself here and now. I see that maybe fate played a quick one on me.

Remembering correctly

People,

We ought to remember as they used to be. If it wasn't love, don't remember it as love. If it wasn't mutual, remember it as being single-sided. But, too often, we remember as how we wanted them to be. We remembered it as love, but it wasn't really so. We remembered it as being two-sided, but it actually was merely one. Memories are not relived exactly as how the moments used to be, but redesigned and recreated. Why so? Most probably because it consoles our hearts- shattered, broken or however you describe yours.

Okay, so, we reinvent those moments and made it a story of our own. Now, it appears suddenly to me, what good do they do to you, if they were all fake and led you only to despair or false hopes? They weren't real, anyway. And, it wasn't breaking up that defeated us, but our own re-creations. Now, doesn't that sound a little ironic to you: I defeated myself?- sounds pretty ironic to me.

If everything we have in our minds are reinvented, but not froze as exactly as how the moments used to be, what elements and aspects were real then? Maybe when we love someone, we all live in our fantasy worlds. Maybe we took it as they love us back, because in Utopia- where we belong, everything goes the way we want them. So, did he really love you, or did you forced yourself to think that he actually loved you? It does make you feel better that during the end of a relationship you recall that he loved you. But if it were not real, it would have made me feel utterly absurd. It would be as if a puppet on a stage, playing different characters and roles only on its own. The saddest thing is that, somehow, we enjoyed our own dramas, when the spotlight falls on us.

The healing process is yet another drama. Because love is retracted or perhaps because we finally realize that love was only an impression, there is be a need or a desire or a lust to capture attention. Yet, we see that the audience is so dispersed, so it is scarcely enough. The spotlight is no longer above you, when you see that your loyal shadow no longer follows faithfully. You have to make a comeback and regain your fame.  You have to make dramas. Bigger dramas. Insert. Remake. Reproduce. Spices are added. Events exaggerated. Plots altered. But your dramas make success. Should you feel elated and consoled then? Or suddenly upon realization, you feel embarrassed and bloody idiotic?

I remembered the way I wanted it to be, but not the way it really was. I feel rather stupid. And I couldn't forget how these recreations pained me- both physically and emotionally and weighed me down. So, maybe that's why I no longer hold taunt onto them... Maybe that's why I'm starting to let it fade... I feel much lighter, as I make space for what is to come, and also as I let go of what is to leave. In that case, I only need to live passionately right at the moment, so there would be no need and no space for memories. Because, hey, how many 10 years more do we have? We wouldn't even know. So, what's the point of letting those faked memories compass and decide where to go and what to do? Brainstorm, brainstorm!

Debate if you want to,

Shae

I do because I want to

What people misunderstand most of the time is that we require a strong enough reason to do something. That reason has to be worth the time and effort involved. It is like we are forced to deal with life in such a way that what is desired must be worth its outcome.

It seems normal right? Wanting something in return. Expecting to gain from giving of equal value. It is pretty common. But common doesn't mean shit. It only shows that there are more than 1 way to look at things. Now let's look at this from a different perspective.

We as people are selfish whether we like it or not. Self-ish is in our construct. we require this trait because like everything else, our intention on this planet is to thrive. Animals and plants compete. They compete with different species. They also compete with their own species. For what you might ask and the answer is simple. They want to out live and out perform the others because they who survive gets to pass their genes on. Pretty simple no?

Ok, now let's look into our modern society. Same shit. We want to out live, out perform each other to pass on our genes. But... not all of us. We as humans although organically similar to everything else made out of organic compounds have been given something extra special. That thing is our human consciousness.

Don't get me wrong. Everything has consciousness, its just humans are more complex. So, with that said, we have developed civilization. Which is the layman term for an army of zombie citizens. Well, not all of them but I'll get there. So, citizens live in societies governed by stronger people. Stronger in society standards usually means rich, in demand and given a title worth its weight in shit. I mean... gold.

Ok, I think I've strayed far enough. Getting back to subject at hand. I do what I want because I want to. I don't expect a return from external sources. You think its weird? Try getting a rat to give a cat some catfood and see if its karma gets better. Probably not. And you'd expect that wouldn't you? See!

I've learned that we can't really expect anything with reason. Because the universe is fucked up and so are we. So I don't take things too seriously. But seriously, think about it. I've been generous and I felt great. No one gave me a medal or had sex with me. But I felt great. Why? Because I gave away without expectations in a very casual manner. If I get a return then that's a bonus. I'd like a gold medal. Or sex. or both. at the same time. I mean, hey. who wouldn't want to be awarded for being good at sex? I know I would!

So just imagine a world where everyone satisfies themselves through means without expecting the world anything in return. How different would our society be? Just think about it.

Something in common

Hey,

Two are able to get along well because of a mutual understanding. A mutual understanding stands for something in common. But an understanding is not enough. Understandings could be created and shared among so many. I want something personal, for just, and only both of us. These things are called, memories.

Lovers create memories. It sounds normal. It is for a fact, normal. Memories are built, like a photography album. Our hearts would make the shutter, capturing all the moments we have had together. Day by day, the moments are remembered, treasured and kept.

But I wonder sometimes, if memories created for two, deserve the title 'Good'.

People say, memories are of utter and almost utmost necessity. Maybe it is a little weird habit picked up sometime when I was lost (previously), I imagine a relationship to its end before it even started. And then I began thinking, would having something in common do me good? Speaking ruthlessly, I was almost all the times in doubt. When things get to an end, memories would feed on time. Growing and piled-up memories are like an unpredictable time-bomb. A time-bomb is out of my league and control. Having it out of my hands- just the thought of it, made me feel as insecure as a stranded orphan, who wanders aimlessly in the streets and ponders if there will be food for his empty, growling stomach.

Having memories together, is not only a concern of being unable to walk out of them, but also they are always at risk of an explosion. And I mean a big, big explosion. It is the sudden explosion that I cannot handle. When things become irrational, my world sinks into a chaos. When things are out of my control, my brain stops working and it decides all the time to black-out.

What good do they do? So far, I have yet to find an answer. Maybe, just maybe, I am a little pushy, that's all.

Still in doubt,

Shae

I too, got lost

Lost,

I was trapped in the memories he created and injected into me. Upon entrance, I did not realize I have stepped into a maze. It was not until the first time he started falling apart that I began to see the true colors. A person stuck inside a maze could never figure a way out as easily as those who watch from above. I have, for numerous times, gone back again and again to his side, and then I was pushed away again and again. I was constantly lost, lost in battles between the sweetness and the bitterness. 

An event ticked me off completely. Determination set in. I came suddenly to a halt and looked suspiciously and curiously and a little furiously at all the corners before my eyes. A good hunter is one with good patience, sharp eyes and a keen intuition. A Scorpio is born a predator. I got to my feet and I was found, eventually. 

When you thought that it was over
You could feel it all around
Everybody's out to get you
Don't you let it drag you down

Everything's Not Lost- Coldplay

But found,

Shae

I got lost. I am found.

In the confinement of mine own head. I think of the world as mine to alter. I trust not in fate nor do I believe in a set destination for my life. I have not and will not submit myself to this notion. The notion that every individual is placed on this Earth with a motive in pre-existence. That we were destined for something. That we had no choice but to fulfill a prophesy. I would not accept it... Until I met her.

I move from strength to strength, check point to check point. Making landmarks in life towards a life I would like to have. I've grown out of my nature to focus on my nurture. I could consider myself a self-made man. But that would be too proud of me. So... this is one side of me.

In another perspective other than laying down foundation brick by brick to raise a high rise. I do believe in the metaphysical. That luck, coincidences, signs have something to do with what your heart wills and what might occur next. It is like you can create your future by willing it to happen. Refer to the law of attraction.

Although I have been on track, building my life, pursuing my dream, achieving my goals. I have lost track of something important. That something that I was born as. It was me.

Most traits I've been born with are still with me, but suppressed. Given way to other traits that I could utilize to reach my goals. Although it ain't a bad thing. It has made me a pretty balanced person. But balance meaning that I contradict in thought. Which is good when I need to figure out life. I'll never grow stale.

But without realizing it, I have our weighed one side to the other and it required some timely events to set the scale straight again. These events that have occurred recently have given me this realization and set me straight. I've lost but I've also gained.

I was inspired by losing my valuables. Items that contained precious memories and also memories that gave me nightmares that I was not willing to give up. Now that its all gone I feel the lightness and could move on easily. I've opened up more space for expansion.

She also inspired me. By showing me that fate might be a possibility. That the events that took place were meant to be. That fate is not consequences.

So now I've found myself anew. I see now that I should take action and move forth. But be wary of signs that will guide me to an eventful experience.

Simple checklist for awesome living.
1) Love yourself
2) Trust yourself
3) Keep moving forward
4) Take time to relax
5) Its ok to contradict
6) Aim for happiness
7) Seek to learn
8) Seek to give
9) Eat good food
10) Travel

Cheers~

Sapphire

Sapphire. Elegantly beautifully blue

How fortunate of I to have found you

Something I've not dreamed of to be true

You have changed my point of view

Sapphire. You're Goddess clad in blue

The way you sport that sport shoe

The way you thought of the word tool

The way I look, I looked like a fool

Your beauty appears by your many shades

The cuts of perfection that you have made

It makes a man doubt and desire

Like flames they fear but require

As I look at you beautiful Sapphire

I begin to think, dream and wonder

As I express the words your beauty inspires

I feel I need not wonder any longer

Sapphire. With a will of your own

You are not for me to own

I will just admire quietly at your lovely tones

Hoping one day you'd seek me on your own

As I move away I've felt the sting

The representative constellation thing

Hoping to hear your call in the morning

Perched and prepared as the sun is rising

I will never truly understand your shades of black

of white, of grey, of blue and back

But I will never forget the moment we've had

Although time has come I am glad

Until then. 

Auf Wiedersehen

 

Chemistry in Biology

An unusual post,

Bound to my feet

when you walked past

leaving a trail of scent

that stirred a 

vigorous chemistry

in this biological container.

I whiffed and stole

your scent, but

it was never enough to

keep me alive.

Caught on fire, but

your sharp eyes 

gave me cold shrills

that saved me from 

the flames,

an endothermic reaction,

however like superconductivity,

I was

resistanceless 

towards your charm.

From,

Shae

Leaving the lost and looking to find

I have been gone for a while. Due mainly to 2 reasons. 1st, I was busy with projects. 2nd, my laptop and other belongings have been stolen.

Today I'm inspired to write about lost of material belongings with sentimental values and the values it brings when we learn to let go and move on.

The break-in

I am currently staying at a hostel with a colleague that I have just met. Things were going great and I was adapting to the new environment. Funny how even this place; within the same country where I'm born and raised; can be so different. I felt like a stranger when I 1st got here at Johor. Coming from Kuching this place seemed strange. That was my 1st impression.

The 2nd day of my stay my new friends and colleagues asked me to have dinner with them. I obliged happily. I left my back pack in the hostel room feeling that that was the most convenient and safest place I could keep it. Bringing it along would be too much. Though I had a sense of doubt when I left it there due to all my precious belongings, I shrugged it off and just went off. 

In my return within and hour or so, my room mate unlocks the door to his surprise... it was not locked. He steps in and gave a very shocked "sei lo! (die lo)". I thought maybe there was a leak or water spillage but then he said his laptop is gone. I looked at the floor where I left my back pack and it too.... was gone....

Immediately I felt this emptiness. As if many years of my life have been taken away from me. I started to think back to all the things that I have left in my back pack. Then all the information that I have stored in my laptop and hard disc that have not been uploaded to cloud storage. That lasted roughly 3 minutes. I realize the situation and immediately initialized damage control. Change all passwords, set settings manually into my integrated Google account, make a police report and write for compensation. 

The result of the action is that all my accounts are safe but there was no compensation to be attained. The police could do nothing except taking finger print samples. I know there is no way I would have gotten back my belongings. I've lost over Rm3k worth of valuables and a priceless amount of memorable items and information. 

Moving on

I went on the next day as usual. Walked and talked as if nothing has happened. But when I had the opportunity I would reflect on the unfortunate event that has fallen upon me. As I reflect I seek for the bright side. I guess I've always been an optimist. But really... I'm a realist. I still feel that this is shit. But on the other hand it allowed me to let go on some aspects of the past that has constrained me from moving forward. Now I feel lite. I feel that there is a huge load lifted from my shoulders. Things seem phenomenal. Probably due to the fact that I have to build up most of my things from scratch. All my written manuscripts for a book I'm working now, my project papers, personal documents, hundreds of dollars of online material that I have purchased gone. Not to mention all my music and movies. 

I've learned from this event that things have an expiry date. All material things will expire. Our memories will expire. This is good. It forces us to move forward and seek new things. It urges us to create, explore and grow.

Now

Now I'm still pissed. If I ever get the chance to catch those burglars I'd torture and torment them to death. But I do thank them now. Without them taking away my constraints I couldn't have realized these few things. But they did take my BRAND NEW PLAYBOY COLOGNE!! Well at least they have taste. Too bad they can't afford awesomeness and had to steal it from me. Man, I'm awesome.

Girls and Their Heads. Literally.

It's Saturday night,

Partying hard? I had a plan, but it was called off. #sadface. So tonight, being this awkwardly socialized girl having zero companies, let me provide you all with some humor. Or not. Take it easy, gals.

I had a good laugh watching this comedian. And, he gave me an inspiration about what to write!

(There is part 2 also, to remind you who actually takes time to watch!)

It's weekend, let's not get so serious, shall we? 

I have heard a lot, even before this comedian, about jokes and humors on what the ladies have in their minds during a relationship. I even came across a very funny and somewhat true comment on a gag site with lots of memes posts that said something like this: Girls live in their own imaginative world, with unicorns that puke rainbows, clouds of pastel color cotton candies. (I totally forgot the rest, but I remember unicorn!) I wish I could search through my brain and print it as exactly as it is posted. It made me laughed so hard that I almost rolled on the floor. Literally rolling on the floor, for your information. 

I am not quite sure if it is really the truth: Girls think too much, guys never even think. Speaking honestly from a girl's point of view, I am a girl and I think quite frequently. Even during menstruation period. Pre and during. Post menstruation for every girls is pretty much like, 'I love you, I love me, I love us and I love everything in this world. I'm soooo happy. I'm the luckiest girl evah!' Girls are bitchy. I know. I'm a girl. I'm bitchy too. Sometimes. I say, it must be the hormones playing games on us. What makes a girl different from a guy if not the lack of testosterone but the overflowing presence of estrogen? 

The comment there made me think. Squeezed some tasty juice out of my brain. 'I have a different opinion... men's hearts are in head and mostly in hearts but womens' are in the clouds above her head in a fairy tale and in confusion.

In the clouds. Fairy tale. Confusion. Really? Come on, really? Is it that bad?

Speaking as a girl, yes girls, sometimes, your head is really above the clouds, somewhere in a foreign land that doesn't exist universally with all your pet unicorns and rainbows and cotton candies and I-don't-even-know-what. There has been these 'When Boys' posts shared around in Facebook and mostly among girls. I tried my best to ignore, but sometimes, it outrages me. 

Gals, wake up, you don't live in a drama, with a romantically written script. Unless you're dating Nicholas Sparks, it could be a possibility. 

I haven't met a straight guy who can really do that yet. You see, guys are naturally lack of sentimental sides, most of the time, most of them. They don't catch phrases with clues and hints and little games like guess-what-I'm-thinking. I've tried that for fun and for experiment, and I never failed so badly before. Instead of making him realize what you actually meant, it could bring troubles and arguments, and arguments are not healthy. 

'If you want more love, why don't you say so?'- quoting from my favorite singer-song writer, John Mayer from the song Heartbreak Warfare. Even John Mayer, an artist, whom the society claims emotionally potential, does not have a single clue without being upfront and direct. Let us accept and be joyful over the fact that, men are intellectually clueless when it comes to you girls' sixth-sense-guessing games. Celebrate! Pop open the champagne! Burst some confetti! And pop the balloons! 

While you're worrying over how you would get crazy having those thoughts in your head that cannot be shared with your boyfriends, here is a tip. This is where gossip comes in fun. You have best friends! You have internet! You have Apps! You can talk all night long! Yet again, another celebration! Just let the boys go, don't waste time trying to make them guess. It's no fun. They are no fun. Guessing games are only fun with your best friends. 

Guess what I'm thinking,

Shae

A Circle

Awakened by thoughts that needed to be organized into verbal forms,

I love old Disney animated movies, of which one of them that keeps repeating on my movie playlist is the 'Lion King'. The epiphanies that it could deliver never cease to enthrall and fascinate. I could always remember how Mufasa talked young Simba to the circle of life. (But not yet to the extend of mimicking the complete Father-and-son conversation.)

At the very first moment we are exposed to light, oxygen and other elements on Earth, our births are destined to eventual deaths. Just as the life of a great tree, budding from a tiny seed, growing as tall as a skyscrapper, to withered into thin flakes of wood crusts. Everything we could possibly think of does not escape from the cycle. Not even relationships. 

We were all once total strangers until we are connected in some ways or another. I was a stranger to my mother and father, not until the day my features are formed completely and my heart started beating. I was even a stranger to my elder brothers, until they held me in their arms, fascinating, but just yet to able to understand how a tiny life is produced. I was a stranger to all my friends, not until the day they spoke to me and we started exchanged words. And I was a stranger to some of you, until the day you found me, who had decided to write. 

I was a complete stranger to my lovers, and they were the same to me. It is the beginning of the cycle, driven by fate or if you do not believe in fate, it was driven solely by your actions, where just that one thing that has or had occurred that gave birth to a relationship, is a simple Hi.

Just as a baby proceeded with growth, relationships nurture on processes and moments that create mutual memories. I used to believe that we do not need physical contact, as long as there are mutual feelings. But, I was proved terribly wrong. A relationship grows very much dependently on physical contacts- body, eyes, touch. Women could have survived a relationship with words and caring, but not men. While relationships we talk of here are solely based on men and women, what fruits can we bear when the men are already half-dead and had their minds straying off to another person whom he has real contacts with? (Correct me if I am wrong!) After all, men are creatures sensitive to visions and touch, while women, to hearings and smell. 

Together the couples spend time, progressing from holding hands and a light peck on her forehead, to deep kisses and more intimacies. This is the teen age for relationships, where every thing appears fresh and new, where slight touches create sparks, where desires burn but held within. It is like a 20-year-old, stuck between childhood and adulthood, lusting for rebellious boldness and seeking adventures that could light up a fiery passion. 

We stumble and we fall. Slowly we begin seeking for a solidity. We want a stable life, a predictable future because we have seen so much of the world, good or evil. So comes the stagnant phase. Both are no longer as passionate. Eventually, one another become much more of a family, rather than a companion. The chemistry becomes less vigorous. Because they are getting so used to each other, a whisper in her ear or a tickling scratch on his belly could no longer ignite the spark as intensely as before. 

Every life comes to an end. Everything made of nature decomposes, returning their lives to the creator. So do some relationships. We go back to the initial point and start again. 

And I have came to an end,

Shae

*Beethoven helped me write.