I have been keeping certain things for my own, because I trust everyone has their little dirty secrets. I like secrets, but I know you don't. I know my secrets would be safe with you, but I ask you to bear with me, because this is part of me, part of my cautious nature, even if it comes to you, one that I have learned to trust more than anyone else. After all, secrets are sexy, aren't they?But for now, I would like to trust fully, and be rid of my cautiousness, just for now.
Baby,
It was a lie that I am no longer afraid. I once told you that, things are going in a circle, and the histories are repeating, only that now, you are playing my role. I try to play my role, but not his. I get an odd feeling all the time, that I would end up hurting you, like how he did to me. But at the very thought of it, my breathing gets shallow, my chest throbbing, and my heart wrenched. I love you, I wouldn't hurt you, but what if I did? ... I already did, didn't I? I am afraid of myself- to lose control as my dark shades overpower my rational mind. It happened. The consequences are heavy, as I took the blame, showered in remorse, cringed in self-pity. It was a long time before I could face myself again positively. I am afraid that if I trust too much, I will grow dependent on you emotionally. You know how trust works, once it has given in, it doesn't filter its words before speaking. You also know how a Scorpio works- critical, mean, and maybe judgmental. It has been a torture as I tried setting a little space between us, because I constantly fall into a battle of angels and demons, emotionally. One moment I tell myself that I have to trust and give faith, while another moment I was reminded of how much pain had befallen me. It was hard to deal with, difficult to heal. I would rather have been hurt physically than emotionally, because I know these open wounds heal after time, but I do not know when emotional wounds would heal up, or would they even heal properly?
I forced myself into independence, firstly because of how I was brought up in this family, and secondly because of how I was treated so coldly by the first person I ever loved. They say first love gives the greatest impact. I'm not too sure of it, but some impacts have been over-written by your kind love, while some of them stayed. I dislike mentioning my past experiences, as much as I loathe the smell of raw onions. They make me choke. Why so?- you would definitely ask. Because the past experiences should be left untouched. Because I do not like to pity myself. Because I do not feel good to be reminded of those heart-aching days. Because my wounds were not healed, but rather merely buried. I wouldn't be left devastated if your works get busier, because I have been through it, where I didn't ask for reasons, but accepted his lifestyles that did not include my existence, while I could only wait for his short replies in front of a laptop.
I cry too easily, despite how sarcastic I sound very oftenly. I have a heart, made of tofu. Real tofu, that gives off a soy bean fragrance. But I hide away as I cry, because I think crying is ugly. There was once when I had fever during a Taekwondo training. I was nauseated, but I didn't dare ask for help, not until someone noticed this girl feeling unhealthy and gently touched my forehead, testing for my body temperature. My eyes welled up immediately, as I shook off her hand and looked up the ceiling, while saying so ever bravely to her, 'No I'm not sick!' I am this ego person. But I couldn't count anymore how many times I have teared up in front of you. I remember the first time I sobbed, as I hugged my knees and curled into a ball. I remember how you panicked. I remember how I ended up comforting you instead. I remember, despite my preferential memory. That was when I decided that I can be myself in front of you, and I need not to hide, because we are both broken. We lick each other's wounds.
I am afraid of confrontations. Once I was driven by fearless courage, I wanted so much to make things right again between me and this guy. I decided immediately to drive off back to campus after I get to know when his class were going to end. I waited for him in a corner. Moments later, he went right passed me, sitting in the passenger's seat, without even looking me in the eyes. I was shaking from fear and anxiousness, and I felt my ego was entirely crushed. I stood motionless staring at the concrete floor for as long as I needed to digest everything that happened too quickly. Still shaking. I ran back to my car, locked myself in it, drove some distance further away, and cried to my tears dried up before I headed home again. That was when I started to hate confrontations, because an ego is held so highly, but crushed so easily by someone you care, someone you love.
I sit here, falling back to my past. There were many that I could tell, but would make no sense to you. Just as I didn't understand how suffocated you felt during you past relationship. I love you, and that is as much as I need to know.
Shay Mei
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