Dawn dotting

It's another sleepless night. Having encountered an endless barrage of thoughts that does not permit my mind to rest. As my body learns to ignore and relax. I am kept awake by thoughts compounding. Instead of sleep if decided to write out my thoughts.

Emotions run dry as my mind overloads itself with logic computing. Rather than feeling, solving becomes the priority. Crunching down figures in attempt to make sense. Breaking the ideas of what I've understood. As I write at this moment, the world begins to wake while I'm falling asleep.

I could have written my accounts without the aid of emotions. But research papers are rarely poetic. I feel, because I am. I think so that I may progress. It's a blur line with me. Expressions becomes stagnant as roles that are played out. How much questioning is required before I end with an answer? Maybe it's worth will be revealed in time. For now, curiosity takes hold. It beckons my soul in search for new meaning.

Have I been blind, deaf, mute and impaired all this while? Have words crossed my mind and out my mouth searing through the hearts of those who hear it? Embers on the tip of my cigarette don't seem as threatening. I'm sure the burns hurt. Have I been less understandable that even my goddess have misheard my words? Can I question at all?

Morning brings another day. As the birds chirp away at their morning calls. Vehicles are at the hurry with their goods. Trickling sounds of the dews I presume. Has it rained outside? Might be raindrops.

I brushed my teeth and imagined if I sped up my brain. I might perceive the world slower than it is. Every bristle would scrape through the surface of the enamel removing whatever was on it. Replaced with mint fused fluoride mixture. It feels better. But I doubt it's effectiveness for I'm a smoker. And a drinker. Of coffee.

Ahh, I've received one of those daily automated subscription letters from websites desperately seeking more people to look at their stuff. Some are cool. Most are annoying. But I digress. Back to the main point.

Emotions are here again. I feel better. I've loaded my quiver and aiming to get a good shot at unsuspecting information. Just to prove the worth of my thought. It's not the most productive of things to do. But it's sure a lot better than onions.

Well, I'm falling asleep. Better place my head on the pillow side ways and hug my blanket. I feel her hair tangling around my fingers. Oh what coarse and thick hair she have. I wonder if she understand the depth of my affection? She does. I've got enough strands tangled around my finger to be sure.

Forgetting the past

To those who fell in love and out of love,

What do you think? Is it possible to forget someone you have met and have known, even for a short while, completely and entirely, as if he never existed on this Earth, in the same timeline, or even in the same universe as you do?

I have friends who have had broken hearts, and I listened to them, they told me the same thing, 'I want to forget.' I told myself the same thing, and eventually I came to a cold conclusion: I can never forget the person who I loved and broke my heart, not by choice, not even by my conscious mind.

We all have options. We can choose to forget on a conscious level. But what about our sub-conscious mind, one that is not within our conscious controls and reach? Memories are but just recorded events arranged on a timeline, because our mind remembers in a pattern of cutting out certain frame-of-time, but not wholly. Let's say, we have a machine that is capable of deleting our memories on the events that occurred between you and your past lovers. All you have to do is to just sign an agreement and let them hit the 'Delete' button. But have you really forgotten completely? Would you be reminded of her scent, like that first time when she walked gracefully past you? How about the food she loves, the Espresso that she drinks every morning, the little things in life, just norms but became significant to you at one point of your life?

I believe memories are recorded events but without feelings, because emotions stay on a different level, which is the subconscious mind. While the subconscious mind is the consciousness that has been rooted deep into us, never to be taken away. There aren't many things that can stay within us, only those that are true and real, beautiful and captivating, overwhelming and breathtaking. So why would you want to forget that, if it is that beautiful? I would have rather not to forget. It was because his existence was crucial and important at that time of my life. From time to time, I will be reminded of what happened to the past and us through my senses, from my surroundings, and events that occur which feel strikingly similar to those histories. Devastated I could be, only for a while, but the next moment I would feel extremely alive. Because my feelings were true, and that is the best feelings I can have for myself. And because everything that happened led me to today.

Forgetting your memories is by choice, but to love truly is not. How do you want to forget if you didn't choose to love at the first place?

Love is a beautiful feeling,

Shae

Nightmare

5am. I awake to a nightmare. My demons in my Psyche banged onto my door. Telling me all the troubles I've heard before. I opened up to the images gore. I lost my mind to darkness once more. Within the cold, dark, depths of my soul. Excretes out the hates that I've stored. All the fears out they pour. In realization to all the horror.

In my heart a tumor grows, fed by the worries of my thoughts enthralled. What has she not told me? What do I not know? Fear of the lack of knowledge, to not know it all.

I wish to sleep. I attempt again. To only be constrained, by more thoughts of pain. Thoughts of the past and of the uncertain. The bitter ones, those that poison. Maybe a cigarette might help.

As I burn away the rolled up tobacco. Infused with the scent of peppermint. I watch the reflection of it's ember on the window. I begin to stop, to think. With the familiar taste of smoke and soot. I set aside my thoughts by a foot. I will now close my eyes to confront my demons. Continue in hopes that soon she will reveal them.

From Shay Mei

Love,

I have been keeping certain things for my own, because I trust everyone has their little dirty secrets. I like secrets, but I know you don't. I know my secrets would be safe with you, but I ask you to bear with me, because this is part of me, part of my cautious nature, even if it comes to you, one that I have learned to trust more than anyone else. After all, secrets are sexy, aren't they?But for now, I would like to trust fully, and be rid of my cautiousness, just for now. 

Baby, 

It was a lie that I am no longer afraid. I once told you that, things are going in a circle, and the histories are repeating, only that now, you are playing my role. I try to play my role, but not his. I get an odd feeling all the time, that I would end up hurting you, like how he did to me. But at the very thought of it, my breathing gets shallow, my chest throbbing, and my heart wrenched. I love you, I wouldn't hurt you, but what if I did? ... I already did, didn't I? I am afraid of myself- to lose control as my dark shades overpower my rational mind. It happened. The consequences are heavy, as I took the blame, showered in remorse, cringed in self-pity. It was a long time before I could face myself again positively. I am afraid that if I trust too much, I will grow dependent on you emotionally. You know how trust works, once it has given in, it doesn't filter its words before speaking. You also know how a Scorpio works- critical, mean, and maybe judgmental. It has been a torture as I tried setting a little space between us, because I constantly fall into a battle of angels and demons, emotionally. One moment I tell myself that I have to trust and give faith, while another moment I was reminded of how much pain had befallen me. It was hard to deal with, difficult to heal. I would rather have been hurt physically than emotionally, because I know these open wounds heal after time, but I do not know when emotional wounds would heal up, or would they even heal properly?

I forced myself into independence, firstly because of how I was brought up in this family, and secondly because of how I was treated so coldly by the first person I ever loved. They say first love gives the greatest impact. I'm not too sure of it, but some impacts have been over-written by your kind love, while some of them stayed. I dislike mentioning my past experiences, as much as I loathe the smell of raw onions. They make me choke. Why so?- you would definitely ask. Because the past experiences should be left untouched. Because I do not like to pity myself. Because I do not feel good to be reminded of those heart-aching days. Because my wounds were not healed, but rather merely buried. I wouldn't be left devastated if your works get busier, because I have been through it, where I didn't ask for reasons, but accepted his lifestyles that did not include my existence, while I could only wait for his short replies in front of a laptop. 

I cry too easily, despite how sarcastic I sound very oftenly. I have a heart, made of tofu. Real tofu, that gives off a soy bean fragrance. But I hide away as I cry, because I think crying is ugly. There was once when I had fever during a Taekwondo training. I was nauseated, but I didn't dare ask for help, not until someone noticed this girl feeling unhealthy and gently touched my forehead, testing for my body temperature. My eyes welled up immediately, as I shook off her hand and looked up the ceiling, while saying so ever bravely to her, 'No I'm not sick!' I am this ego person. But I couldn't count anymore how many times I have teared up in front of you. I remember the first time I sobbed, as I hugged my knees and curled into a ball. I remember how you panicked. I remember how I ended up comforting you instead. I remember, despite my preferential memory. That was when I decided that I can be myself in front of you, and I need not to hide, because we are both broken. We lick each other's wounds.

I am afraid of confrontations. Once I was driven by fearless courage, I wanted so much to make things right again between me and this guy. I decided immediately to drive off back to campus after I get to know when his class were going to end. I waited for him in a corner. Moments later, he went right passed me, sitting in the passenger's seat, without even looking me in the eyes. I was shaking from fear and anxiousness, and I felt my ego was entirely crushed. I stood motionless staring at the concrete floor for as long as I needed to digest everything that happened too quickly. Still shaking. I ran back to my car, locked myself in it, drove some distance further away, and cried to my tears dried up before I headed home again. That was when I started to hate confrontations, because an ego is held so highly, but crushed so easily by someone you care, someone you love. 

I sit here, falling back to my past. There were many that I could tell, but would make no sense to you. Just as I didn't understand how suffocated you felt during you past relationship. I love you, and that is as much as I need to know. 

Shay Mei

Mildly depressed

It's one of those days. Where you sit alone by the world, confined in your own thoughts of depressive disconnection. It seems that no one can touch you and you feel that the world is as bitter as your heart. From sadness comes the frustration of wanting to get out of it without the avenue. No amount of entertainment can suave the feelings of it. All you can think of is dark and cold. Mild depression sets in.

There is hope and beauty. But it's so boring. It is lost in meaning through these cold eyes. Love tries to come through but it's held back by the lack of reception. Like a savior rejected by the troubled. Lost souls perish. Darkness overflows.

This is all but temporary. It will pass like a phase. But in the meantime. Observe as it passes by drenching it's surrounding with lost and despair. The gain and damage. Some forgivable, Some irreversible. No matter how hard. No one truly understands. Just...

Caution: Can you please?

I guess it is true we all have our little things that mirrors a person's pet peeve. I mean, no one is perfect. We have things that we dislike and we have things that people do that we dislike. I don't find that much of an issue. But when emotions are involved, it might inflate into that monster we've learned to dislike so much.

So what do we do about them when they are a part of out loved ones. I believe most of us have people we care dearly for but get seriously ticked off by some of the things they do or the habits they have. It is not uncommon to hear people complaining about their family, friends or partner. Some keep silent but most of them just couldn't hold it in. When shit hits the fan and their whole day sucked they open up without filtering to let out words unpleasant.

So how can we fix this? Could we? Should we?

I believe we change all the time. In little bits. Slowly we change. But it is all in accord to what we aim to strive for. In an old Chinese saying that goes something like "It takes 10 minutes to learn a bad habit, but it takes 10 years to change for a good one." Now if taken literally it is slightly exaggerated. We can change ourselves consciously according to our wants and needs. A smoker can change to be a non smoker for reasons that brings him/her reason to do see. They also can do it without reason but there is smaller chance of that happening. So... We have our little things. We want to live with each other, peacefully. Could we go about making happen? Sure.

I change a bit, You change a bit, we happy. Sounds simple? Never really is. Because what if we have to change but it clashes with our beliefs? What if changing means we are not truly loved for our true selves? There are plenty to think about. The best way is to weigh the scales and compromise. Whats worth changing for whats worth gaining/losing.

So next time when you get yourself into a position of having to changing yourself or asking others to change or to be changed by others. See if you can come to a compromise. But always be cautious. You'll never know when you're gonna hurt someone or be hurt.

Capturing the essence

An image is a physical event captured by our sense of sight processed in our minds and made wonderful by our emotion.

These days I've been looking at pictures. Pictures are still images of an event that happened in the past. The light from that time is kept and preserved in the picture. It helps us keep a memory of a time gone past. Back then we viewed images with such wonder and child like fascination. Nowadays... An image is graded like a school child living up to the standards. Being critiqued by those that call themselves critics. Leaving with an imprint that causes those who were convinced of being strays to follow them. What was once work of passion became a work of emulation. Led by the blind towards the death of creative innovation.

I challenge these so-called photographers who carry around their miracle invention to capture an image with essence. The work of photography should be less commercially acceptable and more thought provoking or spiritually stimulating. I've seen enough pretty pictures of flowers. It's time for an image that will leave a dent in the mind of an individual that connects. Evoke those stirring emotions led by the image.
But, on a more positive note. I've come across images from leading names in photography that excites me. It's not the quality of the image but the feel of it. The moment that is captured but only once in a lifetime. That's the beauty in essence. A moment you can feel but cannot re-attend.

Serve not the eye and serve not the mind. For what's seen is but an image. But serve the heart and the soul. For what's felt would last a lifetime.

Love lessons

What is love?

A common question asked by virtually every human being. We all seek this thing called love. But the answers we get vary vastly. From love is an emotion to love is a noun. Love of a mother to love of a friend. But what of the love between 2 individuals that drives them to create a bond in life everlasting? Is it biological or spiritual? Questions come about with answers uncertain.

In our culture, in our generation, in our society. We have been told that love is this and that. Love comes with certain actions or thoughts or words. There are principles, rules and regulations that are bound to represent what love is. I do not have a general answer but I do have an idea through my own experiences and from the stories of others.

I've dated a number of people in the search for an answer. I used these relationships as a set of experiments that is led towards a goal in mind. That goal is to be committed for life. But relationships fail one after another. Many mistakes we're made and made again just to be sure it was a mistake. But ultimately, the answer did not come from those relationships that I've failed at. It came from myself.

The failed relationships showed me many things. The operations behind dating and romance. Of person to person in building a connection. Most importantly, about myself. I found that one is unable to truly grasp the concept of love until you've learned to love oneself. Through loving oneself you build your abstract idea and answer to what love is. When you've learned to love yourself, you'll find that you seek for a relationship with better understanding to build upon this love that you've embraced. That is when I met her. This time it's wholesome and clear.

Currently I'm no longer seeking to understand love but to understand her as my lover. The feeling is phenomenal and beautiful.

So what is love? Well...
Find out yourself

Fate: The Beauty of It

I awoke to a few messages sent, but were not replied as I fell asleep in the middle of our conversation. I immediately texted back, because I felt sorry for my actions. A few moments later, there was no sign of reply. I wonder if he would be angry at me, to fall asleep during the conversation. 10 minutes, 20, 30 went by, my head started spinning. Look, look what have I done now, I blamed myself. Has it always been this way? Damn, I'm such an ignorant brat. Ego took form of fear while it stroke up so suddenly, so many dramatic scenarios played in my head, so many consequences that could take place right now. Past memories beckoned me, attempting to haul me back to its throne for they needed a life to suck on. I was honestly afraid for a moment, and wildly troubled.

After my fears were calmed and soothed, I made a visit to a place belongs only to us. I looked back to what never fails to fascinate him, as I quietly reconstruct the settings, the scenes and the dialogues that took place between us for the past months, more precisely, the month when we met.

As my imagination reconstructed the settings for that day in the Terminal, I savor every little details that were so easy to overlook. But, isn't that the way you look for clues from the universe as it has plans for every one of us? The chain of events that occurred appear so surreal. It feels to me right now that there is some form of supernatural energy from the universe that brought us together. This massive energy or force field is so intensifying that even if I try to describe, the effort would be only futile. I was pushed around by this energy, like a chess piece, without even realizing until I have been through it and look at it through a third person's eye. It was amazing, as he described, phenomenal.

I have been trained to become as ignorant as I am today. I also have been trained to become as independent as I am today. (In terms of relationship) I lost my emotions only not long ago. No, rather than had them lost, they were hidden from humanity. I believe in fate partially. I believe people were brought into your life for a purpose. There is probably 8 million inhabitants currently on this planet. The very fact that you and I are born on this land, living on this land, is already a matter of fate, but not consequence, because consequences are results from actions you chose to make. Is it not at all overwhelming, for two individuals to share a mutual connection? Is it not beautiful, this art of Fate and mystery of it?

Useless eternity

Does eternity really exist? Will someone actually love you for that long?

Someone always tells me this, If you compare me to all the other guys outside, who have dated or have not dated you, I'll be furious, because I'm not like them.

It got me thinking, but I quickly snap out of it most of the time. How do you know if you're different or not? To plead and to let myself believe in someone else is a paradox. I don't even trust myself sometimes, be it someone else, someone who tells me he loves me like he never did.

Every doubts that arise are because of this root: I love him more every day. Fear becomes overwhelming. I know that if I become closer than anyone else to this person, feelings will generate, so as emotions and other metaphysical things. Love is a positive element, but Ego comes in various forms, whichever and whatever it could take, like fear, obsession, taking control, self-deny, etc. Do you know how powerful Love is, in order to overcome all the negativities we persuaded into ourselves? Do you know how much a torment it is to fight against these forms that Ego has turned into? I do. I fight against these every day. Just like the Baobab seeds. If I am careless for even a day, the seeds will take root and do you know how big a Baobab tree is? They could easily swallow the entire little globe.

Many think that love and relationship come naturally, and you don't have learn. What is there in this world that comes naturally? We learn to breathe when the air touched the surface of our skin; we learn to see with our eyes as the blinding light of that hospital came to one of our senses; we learn to speak because we had needs to deliver to our parents; we learn to walk because there is a destination we want to get to. Isn't it the same? We learn to love because there is a reason worthy for that lesson. Whatever your reasons are, I learn to love because I am the product of love.

As for eternity, it doesn't really matter any longer as long as I know that I love.

My lover, My friend.

I've heard many stories of many friends who have become lovers. They say in most cases they make the most lasting of relationships. Maybe it is because of how they know each other so well for so long and have gotten close and have learned to familiarize them within their lives. Maybe it is so. But then.... Why do some fail?

I believe that the statistics that has been passed around by the word of mouth does not show the full picture of how people come about and last in a relationship. I don't think there is a winning formula. But I do think, that maybe there is a pattern that we can relate to, in order to make ourselves and our partners happier in the relationship resulting in love, long lasting.

2 strangers can meet then fall in love and have a long lasting and beautiful relationship. So can 2 close friends who have known each other for a long time. I don't think this factor makes for a solid argument on why a relationship would succeed or fail. I believe the main factor is because of who they are and who they have a relationship with.

I asked my lover if she would still be with me if I'm a criminal, involved in vices. Naturally, she said no. I saw a strain on her face when she decided to make an answer. Then she came back with a question, "Then, would you be a nice criminal?". I chuckled, then I realized that she would leave me if such conditions are met but she will not allow it just like that. It shows that she is willing to make efforts to be with me. So I know that I also am working on the same value to make efforts to be with her.

We were strangers before of course. We did not grow up together. We do not have any sort of similar up bringing. We share a very different past but we somehow found to have each other. I feel that this is very beautiful. I'm a realist you see, I expect miracles. But as all great things it happened at a speed unfathomable by our human minds. You can bring in any physical, biological, chemical or metaphysical argument into it, but I'm just gonna shove it aside because I'm in love.

I wish I could debate on this topic but I find it unreasonable. Because if I was to ask to define what love is, I would reply hastily at the top of my voice from every corner of this spherical globe her name, Leong Shay Mei. But on a more logical note, if I was to discuss love, romance, relationships and the relative then I would still give the classic advice. Love, to love and don't expect to be loved. I'm happy, fortunate, blessed today because she chose to love me in return of me loving her. So I now am bound to her. By my choice and free will. In hopes that for now and til the end of my short time on Earth that she will too be bound to me.

Today we celebrate the 3rd month of our interesting get together. Everyday I look at her and it still feels as if I've just met her back at PODS. Her little quirkiness and those beautiful eyes. Her interesting point of views and and her soft squishy hands. Those adorable bangs and her wide framed glasses. She makes me such a happy man. She is my love, my friend.12114