2014

The tears shed were of pains yesterday and of joys today. The troubles of the past that pass and the present that has been blessed today. Have you ever held a person by their soul and felt a warmth that flows out and onto you like pouring hot chocolate into your empty cup? Man that cup was empty. But not anymore.

2014. Today is the 1st day of that year. God will only know what would happen tomorrow and also God knows what actually happened yesterday. But I am thankful for today. So I'm going to recap the important things that happened to me in 2013. All the gloomy and all the happy and all the misery and all the things that made me.

2013. Bunch of stuff got lost. Stolen and shit. But I'm good. Then I found. I found someone who would mean more than anything else that I've lost. That is pretty awesome. Then because of her I realized something called Fate and Consequence. Now that is seriously important stuff. Fate meaning something that has led you to today, an opportunity. Consequence is your action for today, a decision that will in turn restart the cycle of Fate and Consequence. Then I read this book. The Little Prince. It is super awesome. and etc. So I honestly have no room for gloomy right now so... I'll save it for some other day.

So it has been weird. But weird is good. Better than normal.

My father, my love

I am talking about universal love. Love between parents and their children, love between a child and a goldfish, love between two persons.

I had a close relationship between my father. He is a respectable man, stern and strict towards me. He is quiet man, but he speaks words of wisdom. I find myself closer, in terms of characters, to my father. I feel attached to him, yet I am very independent. It is a spiritual connection that I feel- something that is different and unusual compared to my relationship with my mother. Thus, hard to describe.

My father often discusses with me about wonders of life, about my future, about his future and about his sons. I listen to him intently and also offer my views in return as he nods a little, conveying his agreement. This is our serious moments. Hard to believe, but I played with my father a lot. We had our weird humors, as we giggled and chuckled like thieves counting money in the dark over the table. I remember he used to wrapped me in his arms when I was little, and rub his face in mine with his stubs. I know my father loves me a lot, because of his trust.

While having our dinner served yesterday, my younger brother was sitting between me and my father. I looked at them as they chuckled like children with their jokes. I could only manage to smile a little and look away. It hit me suddenly that I am growing at a fast pace, but I miss everything that we had. I know he still loves me, but where did our jokes go now? Could it be a sacrifice to my adulthood? It concerns me, as my brows furrowed.

I questioned myself for what I have lost. And I grew restless as my mood darkened. Water is deep, and strong wind causes uproar and turmoils. I blamed myself for whatever that happened, and I was not very happy with them. And then I was reminded of something, or rather someone. Love stayed where it was. But the actions are transferred to someone else. Just that simple.

I am a happy person. I hope you all are.

How I met your mother.

2 days prior to today. My sweetheart told me that her parents invited me over to their place for a weekend BBQ. Of course being naturally me I said awesome! would love to go. The fact is... I didn't think it would be so soon.

Meeting the parents of my sweetheart is no big deal for me, I knew that with my ability to converse I could easily make things interesting and lighten up the atmosphere to their liking. But I had a feeling that it would be different. The thing is, if I invited them to go out for dinner and I'm paying then that would be my habitat, my territory. I could set the stage for the experience of our meeting. But they invited me so... I'll have to be super ready. Which I was not at all when the day came.

After giving up with my thoughtful self I went to my feeling self. Rather than think my way into this I will ride with it in it's flow. So I got there and things were pleasant. It was interesting yet awkward yet comfortable yet exciting yet boring. It is a nice position to be in and it reflects exactly where I am in my life now. This is great news for me.

Although I'm not a mind reader but the 1st meeting with her parents went well. Their thoughts on me? I'm not sure. My thoughts on them. Well... 1st of all, they have my greatest appreciation for the invitation to their weekend BBQ and also for the beautiful daughter that I have the honor and privilege to love dearly. 2ndly, I still feel that I need to learn more of them and get to know them personally. It will take some time but I know things will work out.

After the eating I got to witness my sweetheart practicing the piano for the 1st time. There seem to be a number of 1st's today. Then we had beer at the place where we shared our 1st kiss. Tonight is a pleasantly rainy night for us 2 pluviophiles.

Emotionally distressed: Pain

What if we levitate ourselves in higher beings and remove ourselves from emotional distresses like pain?

Memories are created by the subconsciousness of our mind. The emotional pain that we experience are from the consciousness of our mind. What if we remove our subconsciousness, and we could live like newborns every time we decide to hit the 'Delete' button? Everything will feel anew, and as if we have had been there before. The emotional part of our memories deleted. It is like watching a movie, but we feel nothing because we are not the person in the story, nor are we the actors or actresses. 

I haven't been facing my emotional pain. I told myself, If I could escape, why face it? No one is going to find out. No one is going to see through my mask. It was true. No one was able to see through and hit my 'Pain' button. Until one day, someone entered my life and looked at me inside out, as if I gave him the privilege to peek into my mind. The alarm from my subconscious rang. I was terrified to feel exposed, as if I was to be stripped naked in public. Every time it happens, I felt a cold electric sensation surging through my body- worst on the chest, as I struggle to breathe. The subconscious mind is playing tricks on my body. I am not in pain, but I was reminded of the pain, which my body has been so used to react to. Like green leaves that absorb sunlight for photosynthesis, this reaction to pain is already a part of my being. 

Then I ask myself, What if I see every time through the third person's view? I gain no pain, I feel no pain. But, what is the point of feeling no pain and gaining pain? Whoever our creator was or is, I was molded this way, to be given the ability to feel pain. If I don't, am I even human, a complex life-form? If I don't, am I to be compared like a one-cell creature- an algae? I feel pain, only because I am human. I am blessed with this complex structures and systems that men could never be fed up of learning, exploring and discovering. In return, I feel pain (and other else). 

Because we are all blessed with sophisticated minds, we are able to control what we want to feel and what we don't. So often we are pulled into a tide of emotional waves and whirpools, that we panicked and forgot that the human mind is a playground of any possibilities. Everything we look at, is a matter of perception. If we could turn pain, from something negative into something positive, why not? 

I am too, learning to face my pain in my own odd ways.

Learning all your shades

Being in love with this person is the most beautiful thing I could have imagined to happen to me. Day by day I find myself more deeply rooted in love with her. As I progress in this relationship with her I learn more of different shades. Because of that, I fall even more in love.

They say that every experience you may have gained the day before becomes a figment of your recollection today. That memories are but just blur remembrance of what you thought had happened. An augmented reality. But as human beings we all wanna make sense of it. So we keep in our psyches those that are either dear to us or painful to us. It is natural. Or is it?

Our minds are important. It shapes our perception of things. It decides for us who we think we are and how we should respond to the world. I said intentionally "It decides for us" because if you have not realized it yet, you are actually dreaming when your mind is in the works. To be conscious is to observe and decide rather than perceive and react. We are sometimes like little pain buttons when pressed shrieks a loud cry of agony. That is because we did not consciously do something about it.

I've been human for long and these reactions do come natural from the depths of my subconsciousness. It is important for my survival yes. But is it enough for me to live to my fullest, to reach the state if my highest self? To feel the feeling of true love? No. It requires not the mind but the soul/spirit/heart. Where ego cannot touch and logic does not work. Because people say I'm crazy when I tell them that they are trapped in a delusion of the self unconscious.

With these said I'm just expressing that I am working towards my relationship with her not just by playing roles of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". But to be connected in a higher level. One that does not require words. I believe she is actually more tuned to that than I am. (I is jealous) But nonetheless, I'm working on it.

She becomes more beautiful every moment she reveals more of her different shades. :)

Black Coffee. No sugar.

Have you ever tasted coffee straight up? Black, bitter and absolutely fragrant? This is regularly enjoyed by the elder men of my community. But I love it. It has depth and taste in its purity. Part and parcel of everyday life where I live. This beverage is essential in forming the experience of where I'm from.

But today, I'm not here to express my love for black, bitter coffee. But more to what the taste of purity, bitterness and the fragrance it has in the aspect of relationships.

Like all things, there are variants in taste and fragrance. Same too in relationships, there will be moments of sweet and bitter. Most people just look at the sweet ones to encourage their feelings for the person they love. But I, I take it all in its purest form and savor it as it is.

The bitterness that occurs in relationships are just like black coffee if you see it that way. It is bitter, pure and fragrant. To be able to say I love you is to able to embrace the all that is in love. Good times, bad times. Or what else is the marriage vows made between lovers for??? It is the pure enjoyment and excitement I find in the bitterness that stirs me, in a good way.

People try to avoid it all together. Maybe I did. But when I faced challenges it really opens up to me. I had a thing for bitter black coffee. The shock and utter bitterness it gives 1st makes me doubt it but when the fragrance hits me.... I become awake. You begin to realize the beauty of it. You learn to appreciate what is presented in front of you. The one you love with you in the sweetest and the bitterest of moments can be enjoyed with a feeling of warmness that is almost indescribable.

So you have it, a fresh brew. Enjoy it while it is hot.

Twisted logics

Ironic isn't it- when we are presented with what we asked for, we couldn't accept without second thoughts? Maybe we have been hurt too much to trust that, on this world where we stand, is a good place, with an air of kindness and generosity. 

Sometimes I worry for my inner child, whose world is as beautiful as the first snow, as I let her roam free and also as I let her to trust completely. I fear, because of what the people chant every day: Do not trust so easily and completely. You are young. You never know what the world holds for you. 

Then I ponder, Why are people easily persuaded by the evilness, but not the good the others could or would bring to them? My answer is, because they are all adults. I feel a pang of relief when I realized that I worry, and that is significant because my inner child is not dead, but kept alive all this while. It is an utter exhaustion to live with such cautiousness, to identify strangers first as possible threats but not warm-blooded humans. Isn't is the saddest thing that could happen to all of us? 

I struggle between being a child and an adult frequently. And even more frequently these days. I have a rational head, but an irrational heart, trapped with so much emotions that I kept hidden all these while. I have came early to a conclusion that I shall be a child when I speak of dreams and love. The adult living inside of me sometimes barge out all of a sudden to take over the circumstances and situations, that is when doubts come in. I could doubt everything and live in fear, disclosed in that tiny circle I have to myself. Or I could trust everything about love and live happily, embracing more good the world could offer me. Wouldn't it have been better to stick to the latter option? We all know it would be, and it definitely is. But the first baby step is always the hardest- as you repeatedly will to trust and to suddenly feel an urge so badly to escape the next second. 

I slapped myself and asked, What good have I done to deserve you? For I am a humble person, I could never get the answer to this question. But I am convinced that every actions that I took have led me to this consequence of meeting you, knowing you and to this day. 

You are responsible for what you tame. And I quote your definition of responsible in this context. I am tamed for I am a child in front of you, while you ought to be able to response to my affection, for this is what  I become of when you sit closer each day to me.

To love, is to first be a child in our purest state.